Purpose....

So...I ask myself..what is my purpose? I mean what is my purpose..the one that I should focus on...the one that I can zoom in on, the same way I'm zooming in when I'm on trial?If money is truly just a means to an end......it's the end that I need to devote my focus on....and how to get there. At what point does that "magic moment"..that "aha moment"...just.come to me? maybe what I feel so uncomfortable with on a daily basis..what nags me in the very back of my head is that I feel like I have no.....clarified purpose. Again, whatever I'm looking for...whatever I'm seeking is inside of me. I know this. So why is it so difficult to locate the path inside of me? To be consistent with certain things.....to eliminate this procrastination issue that I've been facing for soooo long. If my purpose is to serve...then how? Why can't someone print a simple step by step book on exactly how this thing is supposed to be done.....the path to reach wherever I want to reach? (and if you say the Bible, I will slap you...I said simple....that means not requiring other reference books LOL :)......how do you balance being happy and satisified with where you are and where you are going? Just questions I have bouncing around in my mind right now....

I want you.....

I want you

And can't believe what's going on is true

Can't believe this is happening so fast

I'm falling...and trying to forget what kept me back in the past

I'm anticipating moments which make life worth living

I'm anticipating what it's like to be giving

My time

My energy

The core of my emotions

Are starting to form the ultimate devotion

And you can't understand..it's been soooooo long

I have no idea if I still have it in me

I used to be sooooo strong

Being able to walk you to that place where you only imagined you could go

Come inside the entirety of my world and allow me to show

You the experiences and emotions which start to touch your soul

Until there is nothing you can't do....until we are swept away in the flow

Of the river we have never traversed before

But this is the beginning, which could come to an ending

I want these words to show...

I want you

I have no idea....

So tell me

What do I say?

It makes absolutely no sense that I feel this way

To create something...

Out of nothing....

And begin to feel safe

Maybe deep down inside...I seek to destroy this space

Allowing the past to sabatoge things before they begin

Because it this reality is the truth

Do we find ourself in the sweetest sin?

Enjoying the nectar of the devotion that both of us miss

Creating the projection of the possibility of the very first kiss

Recapturing innocence that was lost so long ago

But both of us are quite grown, and in this space..both of us know

Exactly and precisely what is at stake

Yet from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep

It seems that your voice, your acknowledgement actually makes

A difference in daily routine that has become my life

A momentary solace in the revolving door of strife

That I continuously fight against and refuse to acknowledge

You ARE that person for how long I don't know

And so these words are a feeble attempt to show

I may be in deeper thank you would like

I have no idea what I'm doing

But it's possible this just might.....

Be bigger than either of us can imagine at this time

I find getting to know you....beginning to learn you....

Is currently a pleasure of mine.

Dark Space part 2

This will be so brief..to be expanded upon later...the dark space in my world consists of....
Pain
Hatred
Agony
Indecisiveness
Procrastination
Anger
Venom and
Revenge

Taste them all....and know...THE DARK SIDE OF RAOUSHA....

The Dark Space

So recently..I was speaking with someone, and asked why they hadn't posted anything recently...as I enjoy reading their work (as I so love reading my own)...and their answer was.."I don't want to depress the 2 readers I have LOL".......which brought me to an interesting thought. I love positivity, believe in it..and gravitate towards it. I know that we attempt to avoid negativity at all costs, not because we are afraid of it...but because we feel that it will suck you in..and there is no need to further indulge negative thoughts, when we have enough negativity surrounding us, and our job is to be the light in the dark..the positive force in a world that has so much negativity to offer.

I do believe though...that sometimes we have to acknowledge our dark place......so that we can see where we came from...so that we can face...head on......those issues that we resolve.....those challenges that we conquer............I know that I rarely explore my dark place these days...but this...is just a little of my dark place.

It's cold, and I can't stand the cold. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea where my destination is...and how I'm supposed to get there. I feel like I want to just curl up into a ball and weep...over my wrong choices.....trying to silence the voices.....I have memories which creep up on me at the most interesting times........it's almost like I'm trying to run so they can't find.....me.

I remember the tears suffered at the hands of my words. The pain endured because of my deeds which are still unheard of....to most. I start, then stop, then start, then stop..then start again. I ask myself...will you EVER get it together? Will you EVER become...what it is you think you should be? With all the reading...all the knowledge you have.......how do you still wind up retreating..to that dark space? And wow....the dark space is dark....maybe another day I'll start...to acknowledge the dark space :)....

A rant

Deep breath...*In......Out....*

OK..It's been a long time since I just posted random thoughts....did a good..rant. I have so many things going through my mind, I wonder why it has been a continuous struggle for me to stay focused....the accentuate...the true power inside of me. Why do I feel the need to control time. The action of being late, is the desire to defy. there are so many things I am aware of..but internalizing them.....seems to be an incredibly hard thing to do. At what point do I have my true "ah ha" moment?

I had a conversation about a month ago..about the "journey" I really think my journey is to be..stronger....much much much stronger. And when i am stronger....I can shift thought to action to reality much quicker. The end result can be..phenomenal. I am at the point now where I have to synthesize all of the information that I have read..and PRACTICE on putting it into application. To be able to take each day..minute by minute..hour by hour. Having long term and short term goals are great....for me, will be mandatory...but the most important thing..is making each and every decision...count. From waking up in the morning, to deciding what to eat, to what I will or won't listen to on the way to work. Every single decision...needs to be one that...makes me feel...satisfied.

How many people out there bother to entertain the journey? How many are serious about taking it? I know that I feel a draw when I meet a fellow traveler...and it's not about being the "perfect" person..just...being better.....at least.....TRYING It's really all about trying....at least for me. No matter how many times I have to start over....I have to get up again....and keep going..keep going...

My thoughts keep drifting....

My thoughts keep drifting

And now I wonder why

I keep on sifting.....

Through the truths and the lies

I have allowed my past.....

To be where I laughed and cried

But yesterday is gone

Tomorrow hasn't come

I wonder should I stay

Or should I start to run

Away from the challenge

Of facing the now

Do I stare it in the face

Or remain with my head bowed

Ignoring things that are better left unsaid

There is a long standing hunger

That has remained unfed

There are very few times

When I don't know what to do

As at this moment, in this space

I decide to stick with the truth

Whatever that may be

And whatever it is not

I just want to see....

How I should unfurl this plot

Having taken the red pill

There is no going back

I am open, my heart can spill

But I will never retract

The decisions I make

Each and every day

I am wondering what this is

Why do I feel this way

My thoughts keep drifting

To the forefront of my mind

There are things I won't say

But clearly I'm not blind....

I don't know what to do

But I hope that I find....

Peace.

Whisper in my ear

If I asked you to whisper in my ear

What would you say

Would you share some of your deepest fears?

Would you return my unmitigated stare of lust?

Would you create a secret that demands the ultimate trust?

Would you tremble at the very thought of my touch?

Would you share what others fantasized about if I told you how much

Pain lies behind my smile but there is no need to cry

Effort I have been exerting to eliminate all the lies

Craving the insatiable hunger for change coming deep within

Sharing in the teachings as I feel like I still begin

To unravel the mysteries which for some are untold

Yeah...I'm curious...I wanna see what's going to unfold

After I hear...

What you whisper...

In

My

Ear

It has been soooo long

it has been soooooo long
Since I put paper to pen
Since I wanted to travel...here again
Since I heard the whisper that truly started to move me
Since I felt the touch that truly started to soothe me

It has been sooooooo long
Since I stared dead into a woman's eyes
And was able to separate the truth from the lies
Since I allowed a future to begin
Since I stood on the precipice of sin
Since I even started to CRAVE learning what would make her moan
Since I started to feel the bond knowing the panther is no longer alone

It has been sooooooo long
Since I started to inspire those beads of sweat
Since I tasted exactly how I could make her incredibly wet
Since I had the pleasure of another owning my face
Since I created the memory that could never be erased
Since the moans turned to screams until her vocal chords went hoarse
Since I looked at another and both of us said of course...
It has been soooooo long
Because we are both truly one of a kind
And it might have been everything between then and now....
That brought us to each other and we could find....
This.

Attraction

What is it that forms.....attraction. Have you ever analyzed it for yourself...have you ever truly examined, what the difference is between someone you think is "easy on the eye"...and someone you feel drawn to?
Let's start with physical attraction. If you have a certain body type (it may be tall...or short....busty or muscular....whatever your physical type is). What is the difference between those people who you look at and think to yourself...mmmm....that's an attractive person..and the person that just MOVES you...starts giving you that feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Then the most important part...the mental attraction. Where does that begin and end? Is it someone who has the same or similar level of education (or in some cases LACK of education LOL :).....the ability to "click"..shared interests.....similar reading.......similar tastes in music....at what point can you actually create almost a checklist.....and realize what it is that makes someone attractive to you.
I have to admit that I have felt...very....curious.....about certain people or a certain someone at some points in my life. Then my mind starts to wander. What are they doing right now? It would be so nice to see them.......what would it be like to kiss.....to embrace....to just sit across and laugh and....talk. What would it be like to.......be intimate. What do they sound like when they scream....when they moan. How does their skin feel when your rubbing your hand across their back...even if it's through their clothes? How do their eyes look when you are just sitting across from them, and that feeling of attraction...just allows itself to surface on your face? What is it that creates that curiosity...and what makes it continue?
How is it that certain things just..."click". That certain people can capture your attention to the point where they can exclude all others......and become....your focus? Things I just wonder about....

Election Day

It's November 4, 2008. I am dressed about to walk to the polls with my son. I know there are many people who probably can't understand exactly what it feels like to be a black man voting for Barack Obama. I can't even put it into words. This is the culmination of things soooooo long in coming. And to be a part of history....you can see all the videos, read all the newspaper accounts, but you can't put into words exactly what it feels like to go to the voting booth today. I will be soo glad to see how my son will have a viewpoint where he has seen someone who looks like him holding the Presidency. I don't have much more to say. This is just.....a deep moment for me.

The Edge

Do you ever wonder...what is the edge...and where is it for you? I think for me that's one of my....weaknesses and strengths :) I love the edge. There is something backwards about the stress you feel right before trial...and the ability to get someone out of a jam they are in....with the stakes as high as they are...which gives you this rush. Is it a good thing? I reall don't know. I do know this...that across the board I like the edge. From trial work (remember my mantra...real lawyers try cases LOL..that's a joke and a whole different subject altogether)....to the way I play poker..to the way I see I play golf now....to of course.....interaction with women. What is that about? I read that the idea of "being present"...or "being in the moment" is achieved by some people who participate in extreme sports. For some people clearly it is sex. (yep..when I think back to that PHENOMENAL type of sex..that's what it's all about).....yet it seems so difficult to accomplish in my day to day life. One of the ways I have found to reduce my stress..is about being present.....but there are so many other things I wonder about.

I mentally keep going back to certain experiences where I felt that...rush. I'm talking about that intensity..when you look in someone's eyes....and they are looking back at you....and it becomes the definition of passion. It's where the poetry comes from. It's where some of my energy used to come from. I still ask...does that have a time limit on it? What is it about the prospect of something new.......something you are drawn to....which starts that....thing? Which really brings you to that..edge. My opinon is that a lot of people don't have the ability or the strength to deal with the edge...some don't have the desire for it. But there are a lot of people who do (love watching the X games here....is there any other explanation).

Until I find something...that really takes the place of that rush......that can truly substitute for that.......THING....the one that makes my eyes do what they do....when I get that look on my face.....I guess I stay this way. Have I discussed it with my wife? Of course I have. Have we come up with any answers? Of course we haven't. I know one thing....I miss....that thing. I miss it really really bad....

Another nothing post :)

Well, let's see..my cast was removed from my leg on the 24th. The only Christmas gift I wanted for this year :) That made me a happy man. Now that I know a little bit more, it's a good thing it was a clean break and not a sprain. No surgery. I thought things were going to calm down once I broke my leg. Ha. A week later I was involved in the biggest case I have been involved in so far and life has been quite interesting.

I heard from someone 2 days ago that I haven't spoken to in years. It's interesting when things like that happen. You have memories that flood back to you, you feel emotions you forgot. Ahhhh...some of us change, and some of us don't...it will be interesting if I hear from them again.

I don't know why...(because I had this feeling LAST year)..but I feel like 2008 will be a very very good year. I have a vague concept of where I want my career to go (do a few trials in the beginning of this year, try to get on the federal panel).......we will see what happens. I look forward to the ride :).

I haven't blogged in a little while......so it's good to look over my other posts :).........nothing major going on right now, I start a trial on Tuesday...we will see how that goes :)

Rockstar-Nickleback

I'm through with standing in line
At clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be
*tell me what you want*
I want a brand new house on an episode of cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a kingsize tub big enough for ten plus me
*so what you need*
I need a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bathroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club at thirty seven thousand feet
*been there, done that*
I wanna new tour bus full of old guitars
My star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and James Dean is fine for me
*so how you gonna do it*
I'm gonna trade this life of fortune and fame
I'll even cut my hair and change my name

Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
Live in hill top houses driving 15 cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
All the good gold diggers gonna wind up there
And the playboy bunny with the bleach blonde hair
And we'll ....hey..hey..I wanna be a rock star
Hey Hey..I wanna be a rock star

I want to be
Great like Elvis
Without the tassles
Hire 8 bodyguards who love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
*I'll have the quesidillas ha ha*
I'm gonna dress my ass
WIth the lastest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna paint a centerfold that loves to blow my money for me
*so how you gonna do it*
I'm gonna trade this life of fortune and fame
I'll even cut my hair and change my name

Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
Live in hill top houses driving 15 cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
And the playboy bunny with the bleach blonde hair

And we'll hang out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary
Of today's who's who
They can get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial
Well
Hey hey..I wanna be a rock star

We're gonna sing those songs that offend the censors
Gonna buy my pills from a Pez dispenser
Get washed up stars writing all my songs
Lip sync them every night
So I'm don't get 'em wrong

Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
Live in hill top houses driving 15 cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'llHang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
And the playboy bunny with the bleach blonde hair

And we'll hang out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary
And to be zoo zoo
They can get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial
Well
Hey hey..I wanna be a rock star

Moving forward

I want to forget
About loss and pain
I want to stay in that space
Where only happiness and peace remains
I want to wrap myself in my ego
Becoming bigger than I ever imagined
Feeding on myself until my myth becomes reality
Then baring my fangs and watching what I want to sink to their knees
Screaming in the torture that won't get out of my head
As I turn around, walk away and put that issue to bed
Do your eyes flood with tears as you witness my scars?
Remnants of situtations destroying the fabric of what I once was
And if I watch what I wish for
It would all be because
Denial of devotion
Made me what I am today

Broken Ankle

My weekend has been interesting so far. On Friday night, I was supposed to play in a Texas Hold 'Em tournament....and of course Saturday is my father/son day (will explain that later). Well, at approximately 2:00 pm, I received a call for an arraignment.....and at approximately 5:30pm, I was retained. There goes my Texas Hold 'Em. My client of course was not arraigned that evening, and we went into the next day. There goes my father son day..at least part of it..or so I think. We have nothing before lunch (They had his paperwork, but it wasn't finished processing).....I go to lunch at my office, speak with one of my other clients and head back to the arraignment part. On my way back...here I am. Looking smooth in my best suit (and yes...this is my BEST suit)...my cufflinks (did I mention a prosecutor actually summed up on them once).....and eating some potato chips with my briefcase over my shoulder. I go to step up on the curb...and the next thing I know..that smooth surface of my brand new butter soft leather shoes......does not grip what it's supposed to, and within about a second I am looking at my feet. The problem is that I am looking at my feet and I'm not looking down. Which means my feet had to be at about a 90 degree angle to me. You know what the next step is (and I have a theory..it's just me...if I'm looking at my feet and I'm supposed to be standing up..and embarassing moment is occuring before my very eyes). I fall flat on my ass, the potato chips I was eating start flying around (despite my attempts to save them)..the only thing missing is my briefcase flying open and papers flying everywhere. Oh...there is a bonus. While I'm on my way to landing on my ass, I hear a sound. I'm not sure what this sound is...a crack...a snap......a click..but something. I know it's not a good sound to hear while on my way to landing..not on my feet. I also notice that my left foot is doing weird things to attempt to avoid and embarrasing moment. And we all know that I must maintain smoothness at all times and avoid embrassing moments at all costs.
BAM. I'm on my ass.
I swiftly look around, thinking to myself...you could possibly play this off if no one is near enough to you to snicker the same way you would if you were watching this happen to someone else. I then try to get up..with that crooked smile that I do. I swiftly realize something is very wrong here......ummmm...very wrong. I kind of can't get up. (I've fallen..and I can't get up). Thoughts begin to run swiftly through my head. The first one is of course..it's time to abandon the idea that you're going to play this off, and you need to sit your ass on the curb. And of course it's kind of cold. As I'm collecting myself, I realize that I can't put any weight on my left leg...and I can't stand up. That's not good. You're not cool any more. You're not smooth. Ummmm....you need to worry about what to do next and whether this is a break, fracture or sprain. Perspective time.
I can't get up, I can't stand up, I sit my stupid ass on the curb and wait patiently for someone to come over to help me and see what's wrong. Of course that doesn't happen. Hey...I live in New York, and not only that..I'm in Brooklyn.
Actually about 45 seconds later a woman comes over with her daughter and asks me if I'm OK. I am so appreciative of this woman right now, I could kiss her. If I could stand up. Which I can't. She holds out her hand, I grab it, and I am able to stand up straight, which I think is OK. Another woman comes over who had called the police, but I realize that I don't have to take an ambulance (which is my fear at this point in time)......and maybe I can actually walk the 4-5 blocks to court. I thank the woman who helped me and the one who called the police (see...you selfish bastard..you thought no one was helping you)......and I try to walk to the courthouse. There is only one problem. What is about 4 blocks suddenly seems like about 20 miles. Luckily one of my other clients was in the area (he had to speak to me about money and a second case I have with him)...and I have him pick me up. Meanwhile, I call the wife, she is concerned, I tell her I'll sort it out, she doesn't believe me. She calls my brother, who comes and meets me at the courthouse. I arrive at the courthouse, I am scared to look down for fear that I have things twisted and sticking out the wrong way. Every single football game I have ever seen with injuries to players flashes through my mind.
I arrive at the courthouse...barely walking......(because you know me...gotta get that money..I'm not abandoning this arraignment)........and my ankle is swollen. Umm..kind of really big, 'cause I can see it through my sock. I meet my client, I complete the arraignment. I hobble out to my car which my brother has picked up for me.
I realize I'm really hungry...and since the only thing wrong with me is my left foot (thank God for small or big favors)........I can still drive. So I drop my brother back to his house and I drive to my house. Before going to the hospital, I have a great plate of ox tails, macaroni and cheese and cabbage that is NO JOKE. I woof this down, and my wife takes me to the hospital. I had the greatest ER experience one can have. They called me within about 5 minutes for triage..then about another 5 minutes to be admitted. A woman with a pleasent personality and demanor (yes, she was attractive...not in the "I want to fuck you" kind of way..but the pleasent looking kind of way)..examines my ankle, presses a few places and the only place it hurts is where the swelling is. Oh...my ankle looks like a mushroom right now.
They take x-rays. I have to wait a little while for the results. I'm saying to myself..."Come on sprain..come on sprain..come on.....SHIT.....it's broken".
So i'm sitting here in a soft cast that kind of got hard over night...and I have to go to an orthopedist sometime soon. Like Monday soon. But I have court on Monday. *sigh* The dramas of life.

At least I will have more time to blog..I have been neglecting my blog. I also will have more time to delay my trials. Especially this attempted murder case that has me worried out the ass.

Well..that was my day yesterday. My son is soooo concerned about me. I love him. And my wife. Who loves me in spite of myself.
It's 5:59 am, and I really should be asleep, but I'm not. I wonder how hard it is to make waffles on crutches? I will find out in about an hour :)

The moments we live for...

I think relationships get old when you basically....get used to each other. When people say that they have always maintained that newness...that "spark".....I would love to really speak with them and see how that becomes a reality..or it is something nice to say when you're in public.

For some of us...(way more people than I...not only am I sure..but I know)...there is that THING that you feel...when there is something new.....something that makes you...curious. This is not just with relationships, but even a new hobby...a new adventure you're embarking on....something...new that gets you excited. I think we call that our passion.

When it comes to people though..there is something...about looking in someones eyes for the first time...and feeling that thing in the pit of your stomach that just...MOVES you. Sometimes it even happens by accident..when you happen to glance up and say in your head...."Damn.....she looks good..I didn't even CATCH that before". Then you get curious. And your curiousity leads to exploration. And your exploration leads to going down doors 1-4 (door number one-come on into my life.....and see what happens. door number two-chase me for a little while and then you can come on in. door number 3-there will be no entry into my life....get out of here....door number 4-Exploration started, you discovered what that person really is....and close it as quickly as possible).

I think that for some people, not only is there nothing in this world like that feeling....but you can get addicted to it. It's a shame I guess..beause we can miss out on a lot of what we already have....and what we already possess...because you're always lookiong for...that next thing..that next moment.

I can say this though....to look in someone's eyes and be MOVED.....damn...there is nothing like that.

My high school reunion..and other things

My high school reunion was yesterday. 20 years. Wow. It really doesn't seem like 20 years. Now the first interesting thing is that when I look back at high school...it's not like I had a large group of very close friends...but attending the reunion reminded me that yes....I actually did know a few people, and a few people know me. I was reminded of my reputation.....class clown. Yep...I loved making people laugh then...and love making people laugh now. Well..kind of sort of.
It's amazing the law of averages kick in. I remembered exactly 2 people there...neither of who remembered me.......(One was an asian girl I used to pull her hair all the time.....I have a clear memory of that..since I still have her senior year picture saying "stop pulling my hair")..and the other was Jean-Grey....who is now Jean Augente.....she had NO CLUE who I was....there was a girl who did remember me named Helen Smith...and I have absolutely no clue why I don't remember who she was...'cause looking at her..ummm.....yep..she's my type...well.....I reallly didn't date white women or have an interest for the most part back then.......(and since I'm married..I guess that would mean I don't date white women..or any other women right now LOL :).........All of that being said..it was nice. Great catching up with a few people I haven't seen since 1987.......it was nice.

My frat brother/best friend Jeff received his letter in the mail....his wife is asking for a seperation..timing couldn't have been better........I hope things will be OK with him..I would really like to see him get back together with his wife......emotional shit is sooo complicated...why can't it be easier? Why do we have to go through pain.....to get to the pleasure? I think the only thing that keeps some of us sane when we hurt sooo bad..is knowing that it will all be better in a matter of time..and the only good thing about hitting bottom..is that it's the BOTTOM..and there is nowhere to go but up.
But you know..sometimes it would be nice...to just....BREATHE>
I feel like i haven't been breathing for a long while......just....BE...relaxed..have fun..and smile.

The Dreams are still the worst....

And so I had a dream about someone I'm not supposed to dream about. Yes...another woman from my distant past. But...it was so weird. I could see her so clearly.....her face..her hair......her voice was exactly what it was in real life. The dream itself was weird though. It didn't involve sex (surprise surprise) per se. But for some reason, we were getting into my car...my son was in the backseat (what is THAT about)...and her and I agreed to go somewhere..it might have been to run errands...and then drop her off. (In my dream she was also married with kids)......For some reason 2 guys come up to me who know here. It's a father and son (and they are Jewish...I don't know that that makes a difference at all)..and they ask me for a ride. They say they live on the North Shore. She says.."that's ok....come on in the car". Ummm....ok, you know I'm like "What the hell"...the North Shore wasn't even anywhere near where her and I were going to go. They get in the car, for some reason my son is in the front seat...I arrange to have him sitting in the back seat..he is listening to jazz on his Ipod (yes...I should be slapped, my 8 year old son has one of my old ipods).....and these 2 guys get in the back seat. The girl knows I'm steamed....she reaches over into my lap and starts to caress me through my pants.....and I look over..and her smile...damn.....it just makes me so relaxed...and it kind of occurs to me that by dropping these guys off her and I get to spend more time together........and then I wake up.

It's really about the feeling. Why can't I FEEL that way with my wife....I think sometimes we search for that magic.....that.....THING...that makes us just FEEl..just a huge smile on our face....that warm feeling in your chest...that ultimate relaxation.

Anyway. The dreams are still the worst. But I don't hate them. Not any more. They still hurt sometimes. It's been a while since I dreamed about my Dad. But I miss him a lot too.

Visiting the little man

My son is with the inlaws for about 6 weeks. The wife and I were having a debate about how we were going to see him. She was going to come down on Friday..my high school reunion is on Saturday..so she would have been in DC while I was down there. Last night (July 3)....she said "We could have gone down for tomorrow".....so I drove down last night and got here at 1:30 a.m. It's great to see the little man after not seeing him for a while.

Sometimes I want to write sooo much...that I have nothing to say :). I think I'm going to "dissappear" for a minute. Give myself about a week. There are several new things in terms of cases on the horizon...and I am exiting out of such a bad period in time......I mean it was really horrible. I felt like my caseload dried up...like nothing new was coming in...but sure enough...that has changed. The only thing left is to truly embrace that next level. "I think it, I want it...I work toward doing it". I think that's the only thing that I really need to do...is to work toward it :). The real joy is in working toward things. I also want to see...what happens when I "dissapear"....just giving myself room to breathe. I mean 7 days isn't that bad is it? Just to get my thoughts and actions on a certain plain........(is that the correct spelling)....plane? :)

I really don't think it's that difficult..and I really don't think that I need to do much..but..be consistent. And come up with....a list of things that I want :). (Yeah...and that doesn't mean I have one thing on that list..umm....to make a million bucks LOL :)....

Whatever part 2

Wrap around me
Bring light into my darkness
Bring warmth into my tundra
Touch my heart
In places hidden from most
Lift me higher than my ego can conceive
Exceed my wildest and most passionate dreams
Whisper that good shit that makes my articulation seem elementary
Breathe life into the living embodiment of drama in the flesh
Pull me into your essence until there is no choice but to mesh
Spiritually
Sexually
Emotionally
Then fall back so my eyes become a reflection of secrets no one knows
Fill me with power until so the only thing I show
Is that I was truly
Right

Boi Souljah

Who is this guy? I was just running through Itunes.........I linked into a Kanye West beat collection....figured I would run through all the songs I already know he laid down tracks for. I ran across this artist..Boi Souljah. FEELING him. I think I can't get away from that shoot 'em up nigga die slow music...and he has it down (along with Hell Rell). Damn...well, I know what I will be using for some workout material now.

Well..it's been a little while since I made a blog entry. I'm still trying to get my head together. (Maybe my head is sooo big, it has to take a while before I can get it together :). So what do I want to do? Start writing again on a regular basis. This homicide case is just....stressing me out mentally. I have to get my head together..I really need to work myself up for this one. I don't know why I feel that if I win this one....it puts me over the top. I guess it's my imagination.

I need to....focus. I think one of the biggest issues of focusing on external things...no matter what they are....can be a good thing..but it can be a horrible thing if that outside thing is (a) not good for you or (b) is good for you, but gets taken away.......it can throw you off in a huge way. How do you back up and concentrate? I have all the tools that I need to do it....and I really odn't have much time.

Anyway.....one of my best friends got married this past weekend (Prophet Theron :)......but it was interesting..I guess doing it for a second time...it was a very nice wedding...a nice experience.

Well...I need to post more often here..

Another one..El Senor De La Noche-Don Omar

OK. I first heard this song in DR..and the club went CRAZY. It was the beginning of reggaetone on my ipod..and something I've been fiending for lately...now that I see the translation...or close to the translation....ummm....DAMN..is all I can say..

Don
Don
Millenium

She's dancing all alone (Dancing all alone)
Doesn't know what she's gonna face the poor girl (the poor girl)
That fight that's mortal (Ahhh)
That she will never get to forget me, me

The lord of the night
I'm half man, half animal
The lord of the night
Better scape or he's killing you
The lord of the night
With your heart you should not play

Me
Me
I'll make you climb to the sky
Get down and kiss the hell itself
Me who will be your eternal pain
You so hot me so winter
You that were a prey so easy you cry
So now I live in your hours
There's something in me that makes feel you feel
That controls your dreams and descontrols you
The lord of the night
I'm half man, half animal
The lord of the night
Better scape or he's killing you
The lord of the night
With your heart you should not play

Me
Me
Dreamt to fly with me in a pegasus
And has a broken haeart
Her sentence was signed with a hug
And the venom of my kisses was her failure
Today she's hurt and dying
In this alley without an exit
Without a road all lost
Wishing to loose her life
The lord of the night
I'm half man, half animal
The lord of the night
Better scape or he's killing you
The lord of the night
With your heart you should not play

Me
Me

MilleniumS
he's dancing all alone (Dancing all alone)
Doesn't know what she's gonna face the poor girl (the poor girl)
That fight that's mortal (Ahhh)
That she will never get to forget me, me

The lord of the night
The lord of the night
The lord of the night
The lord of the night
The lord of the night.....

Wow...Que Hiciste-Jennifer Lopez

So as you can see..I'm in a musical place this evening. I decided to find the translation of Que' Hiciste (What have you done?)...and...WOW....I have to translate some of the reggaetone that I listen to...


Qué Hiciste - Jennifer Lopez - English Translation

Yesterday we both dreamed with a perfect world,
Yesterday the words exceeded our lips,
Because in our eyes we glanced each other's soul
And the truth did not hesitate in your look.

Yesterday we promised each other to conquer the entire world,
Yesterday you swore to me this love would last forever,
Because to be mistaken once is enough,
To learn what is to love sincerely.

What have you done?
Today you've destroyed hope with your pride,
Today you dimmed with your fury my glance,
You've erased all our story with your rage,
And you've mistaken so much love that I gave to you,
With a permission to break my soul like this.

What have you done?
You forced us to destroy the dawns,
And your words erased our nights,
My illusions ended with your farces,
You forgot that love was what mattered,
And with your hands you've teared down our house.

Tomorrow shall a new day dawn in my universe,
Tomorrow I will not see your name written between my verses,
I will not listen to words of regret,
I will painless ignore your remorse.

Tomorrow I'll forget that yesterday I was your faithful loving one,
Tomorrow there won't be even reasons for me to hate you,
I will erase all your dreams of my dreams,
Shall the wind drag the memories of you forever.

What have you done?
Today you've destroyed hope with your pride,
Today you dimmed with your fury my glance,
You've erased all our story with your rage,
And you've mistaken so much love that I gave to you,
With a permission to break my soul like this.

What have you done?
You forced us to destroy the dawns,
And your words erased our nights,
My illusions ended with your farces,
You forgot that love was what mattered,
And with your hands you've teared down our house.

And you've mistaken so much love that I gave to you,
With a permission to break my soul like this.

What have you done?
You forced us to destroy the dawns,
And your words erased our nights,
My illusions ended with your farces,
You forgot that love was what mattered,
And with your hands you've teared down our house.

Rehab-Amy Winehouse

They tried to make me go to rehab
I say No No No
Yes I've been black..and when I come back
MMMMMM..No No NO

I ain't got the time
And if my Daddy think's I'm fine
They try to make me go to rehab..
I won't go go go

I'de rather be..
At home with Ray
I ain't got seventy days
Cause there's nothing
There's nothing
You can teach me

That I can't learn
From Mr. Hathaway

I didn't get a lot in class
But I know
It don't come
In
A
Shot
Glass

They tried to make me got to rehab
I say No No NO
Yes I've been black but when I come back
I say No NO

I ain't got the time
And if my Daddy thinks I'm fine
Try to make me go to rehab
I won't go go go

The man said
Why you think you here
I said
I got nooooo idea
I'm gonna
I'm gonna
Lose my baby
So
I
Always
Keep a bottle...handy

He said
I just think you're just depressed
This me
"Yeah baby..and the rest"

They tried to make me go to rehab
I said
No No NO
Yes I've been black and when I come back
Ooohh...No No NO

I don't ever want to drink again
I just
MMMM I just need a friend
I'm not gonna spend
Ten weeks
Have everyone think
I'm on the mend

It's not just my pride
It's just
Till these
Tears have dried

They tried to make me go to rehab
I say No No NO
Yes I've been black and when I'm back
I go No No NO

I ain't got the time
And if my Daddy thinks I'm fine
They try to make me go to rehab
And I say
No No NO

My newest song LOL :)

So I'm watching the MTV Movie Awards and I see this girl...Amy Winehouse...and she performs this song "Rehab". Feeling it. Downloaded it. Not sure which list to put it on.....but of course this song seems soooo appropriate with all our famous people...ummmm....saying...
"Try to make me go to rehab.....
And I say No No No"

LOL.....yeah...this song will probably last me about a week or so..unless something attaches itself to it :)

How we measure ourselves..

How do we measure ourselves? I mean honestly. How much of our self worth is a reflection of someone else's words? Someone else's actions. A wife feels validated when her husband protects her. A husband feels affirmed when his wife satiates one of his cravings. How much of our true feelings of happiness our measured in the eyes arms and mouths of another person. What happens if that person is removed from your life? Do you turn to ice? Do you suffer in silence? What is the key to becoming self-affirmed? I really don't know...

Just a nothing rant

The things I want to do are not huge. At least I don't think so. But those small things...seem to be huge for me to accomplish. I am still in that space between creating the remainder of my identity (yes...this can still be done at 37....I think it can be done at any age).

I still recall that Seinfeld episode where George figures....just do the opposite of what he's been doing..to get the opposite results. I think I will try that.

I am moving out of that painful space. I need strength. I crave it. I love that Pain song.....and for some reason, maybe I need to hold onto that space inside of me...for a while. Allow it to come out at the appropriate time.

Why do we crave things? Why do we feel we would be soooo happy "If only this" would happen.
Hurt is so subjective....I mean if I'm not physically injured...why should memories rehashing themselves hurt me? Why should I allow anything or anyone to rent space in my head for free?

Part of me still thinks..that's what the passion is about. That's why there are levels of intensity.
Anyway.........
It's ME Snitches LOL :) (Chillin in my Beamer..listening to Ether)...

I hate it here

I hate it here. It's cold and it's dark and it's lonely. I lie in the bed of my choices and I suffer with the repercussions of my actions. I hate it here. The pain burns on and on and on and it doesn't go away, it fills my every thought, every moment I spend waking..and the dreams...the dreams. I know this is a good thing. I know this has to be done. How could I not see the signs? How could I be so blind? It burns and burns and burns, and no one can help me, no one CAN be there for me, whether they want to or not. How can an illusion be developed to the point where it traps you in a cage that you found yourself before...and know you can endure..every moment, every step, every single movement you need to make to get yourself out of this place and space....to become bigger, better and stronger than you ever were. Why does it have to happen like this? Why does life dictate that you be tested...in the areas you love to dwell?

I am strong. I will become stronger. I will be better than even my imagination can conceive. But for now...I hate it here.

And it goes on and on

So I start to do some of the things I want to do. Why are some of the answers so easy...and others are not.

I know what I'm running from
I remember once more..(as if I really ever forgot) what makes me..tick...what makes me the way I am when things go well..when I feel like I'm on top of the world

How much longer do you feel the self inflicted pain of frustration by not doing whatever it is that you want to (lose weight..or in my case tone yourself up....stop thinking about negativity....or in my case...stop thinking about negativity over and over and over and over again)

Things hurt. A lot. Tell me..which is truly better? To freeze up and go cold...not let anything bother you inside so that you never feel this way again...or to become love....to open yourself up so much that you embrace everything that you choose and sometimes don't choose to come into your life?

I think the darkness is safety. I think the light is harder. I know that I feel a lot of pain and frustration right now.

Pain-Three Days Grace

Pain
Without love
Pain
I can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain than nothing at all

Your sick
Of feelig numb
You're not
The only one
I'll take
You by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life
Is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me
And take my hand
When the lights go out
You'll understand

Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain
Than nothing at all

Anger
And agony
Are better
Than misery
Trust me
I've got a plan
When the lights go out
You'll understand

Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause Ide rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know I know I know I know
I know
That you're wounded
You know you know you know you know
That I'm here to save you
You know You know You know
I'm always here for you
That you'll thank me later

Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain
Than nothing at all

The John Legend Concert

Now hot fitting is it that I'm listening to my John Legend while talking about his concert. In a word....DAMN....he's the truth :). Let's start out with the beginning. I go with the wife, and give 2 tickets I purchased to my client and his fiance' as an engagement gift. We arrive just in time...as we're actually walking to our seats..the house lights go down.
Now this girl...Corrine Bailey Rae....I hear all kind of good things about her. My man tells me she's the shiznit...my wife tells me she performed on the Grammy's..one of my people tells me how I need to REALLY know about her...so I'm expecting big things from her. I mean...this is Madison Square Garden isn't it? An opening act for John Legend. I'm looking for great things. As I said..the house lights go down...my seats are not the greatest because I missed the presale..so we're on the side..the guy in back of me says "clap clap..is John Legend coming out?" I quietly think to myself "damn...stop being ignorant" (Ignoring that was actually me....a few years ago). Rae steps out on stage, and WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE WEARING? I'm tired of hearing "well, it's the style". There is sexy, and there is not sexy, I don't care what's in or out of fashion. She comes out with those black stockings and little heels that I hate....these silver shoes that my wife instructs me matches her dress. Now she can sing...but no crowd control or energy to speak of After every song the guy in back of me keeps saying to his girl "Clap clap..yeah...is this the last song finally?". And I am quietly agreeing with him 100 percent. Anyway...after an agonizingly long set for me....keeping in mind that yes, she did tear up this Led Zepplin song I don't believe I've heard..she finally gets off stage.
I start thinking about how much money I've spent on these tickets...how much I don't really like his second album..and wondering to myself...is he going to be worth these damn tickets..I mean, I have his Live at SOB's performance on my Ipod..but after the Corrine episode..what am I in for?

The houselights go down a second time...the intro music starts to play (the same intro on his first album).......John Legend steps out on stage in a pair of white linen or khaki type of pants.....a white jacket with a simple grey shirt underneath.....the lights focus on him, he steps up to the mic..now mind you he is probably about 5'6" or 5'9" in that area, he is clearly not a tall man....and he steps to the mic..the crowd is screaming..and from the moment he opens his mouth...he mesmirizes Madison Square Garden. I don't remember the exact order of the songs..but everything you want to hear...he performs with an energy..you just can't learn as an artist...you either it or you don't. His energy flows from whever inside his body it comes from through his voice into the mic and encompasses the crowd.....all the way to my sorry ass seats :)...

This is how an artist should perform. No fancy light show. Now phenomenal backup singers to push him that extra level. John Legend, his piano and his mic...rocked the Garden for a little over an hour......at one point he dances with a woman in the crowd.....takes off his jacket (driving the women crazy).......just keeps that high energy for the entire performance...leaving me incredibly satisfied...hell yeah..another hot concert to be filed in my memory....looking forward to his next album and tour :)

The Dreams are the Worst

Sometimes when you dream...it is soooo vivid. I mean the voice, the appearance, everything about them seems sooo real...soooo realistic. Even when you know you are dreaming. I had a dream that has me soooo twisted up in pain right now.....sometimes I wish we didn't have to go through this part of life at all. Why do we miss what we don't have so much? Why can't we be content with all the beautiful things that life has blessed us with....why does it HURT so much? All I know is....sometimes...the dreams are the worst.

Handle Me

Handle me
Reach deep inside you to places you have never gone before
Whisper in my ear until I can no longer endure
The comfort that makes me so sure
You are down for me without question
And it's not even about the sessions
The moans and screams
The orgams exceeding the wettest dreams
The blood on my back
And your hair in my hand
While you look into the mirror
And truly understand
Temptation in the flesh
As our essence mesh
Wondering which one is worse than the other
While my sweat drenched physique
Slowly starts to smother
Whatever past was your reality
And you become my definition of fantasy

It's about
That emotional connection that everyone longs for
And the days and nights that both of us swore
We would never be here again
And yet
Here
We
Are

Forming your personality-drawing the line

So. We all know that we have our limits to our personality. What is it that we will put up with? What is it that we won't? When will we change? When do we forgive..when do we seek retribution. I am reminded about my own limitations, what I set for myself. I know that deep inside of me..I think I made an entry earlier about whether I am cold or warm inside. Deep inside of myself, at my center, there is warmth. I can be warm and make decisions that other people don't like. But I really think that at my center I am love.

However, outside of this center....encasing that warmth..is ice. It is the cold look I get in my eyes that let's someone else know "I'm not the one". The look I get right before I'm about to say something crazy in court....or right before I'm about to tell someone something they don't want to hear. I also know that there is a certain amount of glee in my eyes before I do anything like this...as if someone else, or some situation has released that part of me, and allowed me to be...ignorant....to inflict pain....to.....engage in my negative side. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. I do know one thing. I have hit a limit of mine...and as Tupac said "There's going some stuff you gonna see..that's gonna make it hard to smile in the future" What is it that we hold on to..to make those hard decisions? To be comfortable with things we wouldn't have done otherwise? I digress....I just want to look back at this post...and remember...there are times when a fork in your road is arrived at, and after seeing what I have seen....you can close just a peice of your heart....again.