NoRib

Purpose....

2010-05-27T03:34:00.000-07:00

So...I ask myself..what is my purpose? I mean what is my purpose..the one that I should focus on...the one that I can zoom in on, the same way I'm zooming in when I'm on trial?If money is truly just a means to an end......it's the end that I need to devote my focus on....and how to get there. At what point does that "magic moment"..that "aha moment"...just.come to me? maybe what I feel so uncomfortable with on a daily basis..what nags me in the very back of my head is that I feel like I have no.....clarified purpose. Again, whatever I'm looking for...whatever I'm seeking is inside of me. I know this. So why is it so difficult to locate the path inside of me? To be consistent with certain things.....to eliminate this procrastination issue that I've been facing for soooo long. If my purpose is to serve...then how? Why can't someone print a simple step by step book on exactly how this thing is supposed to be done.....the path to reach wherever I want to reach? (and if you say the Bible, I will slap you...I said simple....that means not requiring other reference books LOL :)......how do you balance being happy and satisified with where you are and where you are going? Just questions I have bouncing around in my mind right now....

I want you.....

2010-05-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

I want you

And can't believe what's going on is true

Can't believe this is happening so fast

I'm falling...and trying to forget what kept me back in the past

I'm anticipating moments which make life worth living

I'm anticipating what it's like to be giving

My time

My energy

The core of my emotions

Are starting to form the ultimate devotion

And you can't understand..it's been soooooo long

I have no idea if I still have it in me

I used to be sooooo strong

Being able to walk you to that place where you only imagined you could go

Come inside the entirety of my world and allow me to show

You the experiences and emotions which start to touch your soul

Until there is nothing you can't do....until we are swept away in the flow

Of the river we have never traversed before

But this is the beginning, which could come to an ending

I want these words to show...

I want you

I have no idea....

2010-05-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

So tell me

What do I say?

It makes absolutely no sense that I feel this way

To create something...

Out of nothing....

And begin to feel safe

Maybe deep down inside...I seek to destroy this space

Allowing the past to sabatoge things before they begin

Because it this reality is the truth

Do we find ourself in the sweetest sin?

Enjoying the nectar of the devotion that both of us miss

Creating the projection of the possibility of the very first kiss

Recapturing innocence that was lost so long ago

But both of us are quite grown, and in this space..both of us know

Exactly and precisely what is at stake

Yet from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep

It seems that your voice, your acknowledgement actually makes

A difference in daily routine that has become my life

A momentary solace in the revolving door of strife

That I continuously fight against and refuse to acknowledge

You ARE that person for how long I don't know

And so these words are a feeble attempt to show

I may be in deeper thank you would like

I have no idea what I'm doing

But it's possible this just might.....

Be bigger than either of us can imagine at this time

I find getting to know you....beginning to learn you....

Is currently a pleasure of mine.

Dark Space part 2

2010-05-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

This will be so brief..to be expanded upon later...the dark space in my world consists of....
Pain
Hatred
Agony
Indecisiveness
Procrastination
Anger
Venom and
Revenge

Taste them all....and know...THE DARK SIDE OF RAOUSHA....

The Dark Space

2010-05-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

So recently..I was speaking with someone, and asked why they hadn't posted anything recently...as I enjoy reading their work (as I so love reading my own)...and their answer was.."I don't want to depress the 2 readers I have LOL".......which brought me to an interesting thought. I love positivity, believe in it..and gravitate towards it. I know that we attempt to avoid negativity at all costs, not because we are afraid of it...but because we feel that it will suck you in..and there is no need to further indulge negative thoughts, when we have enough negativity surrounding us, and our job is to be the light in the dark..the positive force in a world that has so much negativity to offer.

I do believe though...that sometimes we have to acknowledge our dark place......so that we can see where we came from...so that we can face...head on......those issues that we resolve.....those challenges that we conquer............I know that I rarely explore my dark place these days...but this...is just a little of my dark place.

It's cold, and I can't stand the cold. Sometimes I feel like I have no idea where my destination is...and how I'm supposed to get there. I feel like I want to just curl up into a ball and weep...over my wrong choices.....trying to silence the voices.....I have memories which creep up on me at the most interesting times........it's almost like I'm trying to run so they can't find.....me.

I remember the tears suffered at the hands of my words. The pain endured because of my deeds which are still unheard of....to most. I start, then stop, then start, then stop..then start again. I ask myself...will you EVER get it together? Will you EVER become...what it is you think you should be? With all the reading...all the knowledge you have.......how do you still wind up retreating..to that dark space? And wow....the dark space is dark....maybe another day I'll start...to acknowledge the dark space :)....

A rant

2010-05-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

Deep breath...*In......Out....*

OK..It's been a long time since I just posted random thoughts....did a good..rant. I have so many things going through my mind, I wonder why it has been a continuous struggle for me to stay focused....the accentuate...the true power inside of me. Why do I feel the need to control time. The action of being late, is the desire to defy. there are so many things I am aware of..but internalizing them.....seems to be an incredibly hard thing to do. At what point do I have my true "ah ha" moment?

I had a conversation about a month ago..about the "journey" I really think my journey is to be..stronger....much much much stronger. And when i am stronger....I can shift thought to action to reality much quicker. The end result can be..phenomenal. I am at the point now where I have to synthesize all of the information that I have read..and PRACTICE on putting it into application. To be able to take each day..minute by minute..hour by hour. Having long term and short term goals are great....for me, will be mandatory...but the most important thing..is making each and every decision...count. From waking up in the morning, to deciding what to eat, to what I will or won't listen to on the way to work. Every single decision...needs to be one that...makes me feel...satisfied.

How many people out there bother to entertain the journey? How many are serious about taking it? I know that I feel a draw when I meet a fellow traveler...and it's not about being the "perfect" person..just...being better.....at least.....TRYING It's really all about trying....at least for me. No matter how many times I have to start over....I have to get up again....and keep going..keep going...

My thoughts keep drifting....

2010-05-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

My thoughts keep drifting

And now I wonder why

I keep on sifting.....

Through the truths and the lies

I have allowed my past.....

To be where I laughed and cried

But yesterday is gone

Tomorrow hasn't come

I wonder should I stay

Or should I start to run

Away from the challenge

Of facing the now

Do I stare it in the face

Or remain with my head bowed

Ignoring things that are better left unsaid

There is a long standing hunger

That has remained unfed

There are very few times

When I don't know what to do

As at this moment, in this space

I decide to stick with the truth

Whatever that may be

And whatever it is not

I just want to see....

How I should unfurl this plot

Having taken the red pill

There is no going back

I am open, my heart can spill

But I will never retract

The decisions I make

Each and every day

I am wondering what this is

Why do I feel this way

My thoughts keep drifting

To the forefront of my mind

There are things I won't say

But clearly I'm not blind....

I don't know what to do

But I hope that I find....

Peace.

Whisper in my ear

2010-05-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

If I asked you to whisper in my ear

What would you say

Would you share some of your deepest fears?

Would you return my unmitigated stare of lust?

Would you create a secret that demands the ultimate trust?

Would you tremble at the very thought of my touch?

Would you share what others fantasized about if I told you how much

Pain lies behind my smile but there is no need to cry

Effort I have been exerting to eliminate all the lies

Craving the insatiable hunger for change coming deep within

Sharing in the teachings as I feel like I still begin

To unravel the mysteries which for some are untold

Yeah...I'm curious...I wanna see what's going to unfold

After I hear...

What you whisper...

Ear

It has been soooo long

2010-05-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

it has been soooooo long
Since I put paper to pen
Since I wanted to travel...here again
Since I heard the whisper that truly started to move me
Since I felt the touch that truly started to soothe me

It has been sooooooo long
Since I stared dead into a woman's eyes
And was able to separate the truth from the lies
Since I allowed a future to begin
Since I stood on the precipice of sin
Since I even started to CRAVE learning what would make her moan
Since I started to feel the bond knowing the panther is no longer alone

It has been sooooooo long
Since I started to inspire those beads of sweat
Since I tasted exactly how I could make her incredibly wet
Since I had the pleasure of another owning my face
Since I created the memory that could never be erased
Since the moans turned to screams until her vocal chords went hoarse
Since I looked at another and both of us said of course...
It has been soooooo long
Because we are both truly one of a kind
And it might have been everything between then and now....
That brought us to each other and we could find....
This.

Attraction

2010-05-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

What is it that forms.....attraction. Have you ever analyzed it for yourself...have you ever truly examined, what the difference is between someone you think is "easy on the eye"...and someone you feel drawn to?
Let's start with physical attraction. If you have a certain body type (it may be tall...or short....busty or muscular....whatever your physical type is). What is the difference between those people who you look at and think to yourself...mmmm....that's an attractive person..and the person that just MOVES you...starts giving you that feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Then the most important part...the mental attraction. Where does that begin and end? Is it someone who has the same or similar level of education (or in some cases LACK of education LOL :).....the ability to "click"..shared interests.....similar reading.......similar tastes in music....at what point can you actually create almost a checklist.....and realize what it is that makes someone attractive to you.
I have to admit that I have felt...very....curious.....about certain people or a certain someone at some points in my life. Then my mind starts to wander. What are they doing right now? It would be so nice to see them.......what would it be like to kiss.....to embrace....to just sit across and laugh and....talk. What would it be like to.......be intimate. What do they sound like when they scream....when they moan. How does their skin feel when your rubbing your hand across their back...even if it's through their clothes? How do their eyes look when you are just sitting across from them, and that feeling of attraction...just allows itself to surface on your face? What is it that creates that curiosity...and what makes it continue?
How is it that certain things just..."click". That certain people can capture your attention to the point where they can exclude all others......and become....your focus? Things I just wonder about....

Election Day

2008-11-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

It's November 4, 2008. I am dressed about to walk to the polls with my son. I know there are many people who probably can't understand exactly what it feels like to be a black man voting for Barack Obama. I can't even put it into words. This is the culmination of things soooooo long in coming. And to be a part of history....you can see all the videos, read all the newspaper accounts, but you can't put into words exactly what it feels like to go to the voting booth today. I will be soo glad to see how my son will have a viewpoint where he has seen someone who looks like him holding the Presidency. I don't have much more to say. This is just.....a deep moment for me.

The Edge

2008-09-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder...what is the edge...and where is it for you? I think for me that's one of my....weaknesses and strengths :) I love the edge. There is something backwards about the stress you feel right before trial...and the ability to get someone out of a jam they are in....with the stakes as high as they are...which gives you this rush. Is it a good thing? I reall don't know. I do know this...that across the board I like the edge. From trial work (remember my mantra...real lawyers try cases LOL..that's a joke and a whole different subject altogether)....to the way I play poker..to the way I see I play golf now....to of course.....interaction with women. What is that about? I read that the idea of "being present"...or "being in the moment" is achieved by some people who participate in extreme sports. For some people clearly it is sex. (yep..when I think back to that PHENOMENAL type of sex..that's what it's all about).....yet it seems so difficult to accomplish in my day to day life. One of the ways I have found to reduce my stress..is about being present.....but there are so many other things I wonder about.

I mentally keep going back to certain experiences where I felt that...rush. I'm talking about that intensity..when you look in someone's eyes....and they are looking back at you....and it becomes the definition of passion. It's where the poetry comes from. It's where some of my energy used to come from. I still ask...does that have a time limit on it? What is it about the prospect of something new.......something you are drawn to....which starts that....thing? Which really brings you to that..edge. My opinon is that a lot of people don't have the ability or the strength to deal with the edge...some don't have the desire for it. But there are a lot of people who do (love watching the X games here....is there any other explanation).

Until I find something...that really takes the place of that rush......that can truly substitute for that.......THING....the one that makes my eyes do what they do....when I get that look on my face.....I guess I stay this way. Have I discussed it with my wife? Of course I have. Have we come up with any answers? Of course we haven't. I know one thing....I miss....that thing. I miss it really really bad....

Another nothing post :)

2008-01-12T09:20:00.000-08:00

Well, let's see..my cast was removed from my leg on the 24th. The only Christmas gift I wanted for this year :) That made me a happy man. Now that I know a little bit more, it's a good thing it was a clean break and not a sprain. No surgery. I thought things were going to calm down once I broke my leg. Ha. A week later I was involved in the biggest case I have been involved in so far and life has been quite interesting.

I heard from someone 2 days ago that I haven't spoken to in years. It's interesting when things like that happen. You have memories that flood back to you, you feel emotions you forgot. Ahhhh...some of us change, and some of us don't...it will be interesting if I hear from them again.

I don't know why...(because I had this feeling LAST year)..but I feel like 2008 will be a very very good year. I have a vague concept of where I want my career to go (do a few trials in the beginning of this year, try to get on the federal panel).......we will see what happens. I look forward to the ride :).

I haven't blogged in a little while......so it's good to look over my other posts :).........nothing major going on right now, I start a trial on Tuesday...we will see how that goes :)

Rockstar-Nickleback

2007-11-20T23:57:00.001-08:00

I'm through with standing in line
At clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
And I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be
*tell me what you want*
I want a brand new house on an episode of cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a kingsize tub big enough for ten plus me
*so what you need*
I need a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bathroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club at thirty seven thousand feet
*been there, done that*
I wanna new tour bus full of old guitars
My star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and James Dean is fine for me
*so how you gonna do it*
I'm gonna trade this life of fortune and fame
I'll even cut my hair and change my name

Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
Live in hill top houses driving 15 cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
All the good gold diggers gonna wind up there
And the playboy bunny with the bleach blonde hair
And we'll ....hey..hey..I wanna be a rock star
Hey Hey..I wanna be a rock star

I want to be
Great like Elvis
Without the tassles
Hire 8 bodyguards who love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
*I'll have the quesidillas ha ha*
I'm gonna dress my ass
WIth the lastest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna paint a centerfold that loves to blow my money for me
*so how you gonna do it*
I'm gonna trade this life of fortune and fame
I'll even cut my hair and change my name

Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
Live in hill top houses driving 15 cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll
Hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
And the playboy bunny with the bleach blonde hair

And we'll hang out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary
Of today's who's who
They can get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial
Well
Hey hey..I wanna be a rock star

We're gonna sing those songs that offend the censors
Gonna buy my pills from a Pez dispenser
Get washed up stars writing all my songs
Lip sync them every night
So I'm don't get 'em wrong

Cause we all just wanna be big rock stars
Live in hill top houses driving 15 cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'llHang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there
And the playboy bunny with the bleach blonde hair

And we'll hang out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary
And to be zoo zoo
They can get you anything with that evil smile
Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial
Well
Hey hey..I wanna be a rock star

Moving forward

2007-11-09T04:56:00.000-08:00

I want to forget
About loss and pain
I want to stay in that space
Where only happiness and peace remains
I want to wrap myself in my ego
Becoming bigger than I ever imagined
Feeding on myself until my myth becomes reality
Then baring my fangs and watching what I want to sink to their knees
Screaming in the torture that won't get out of my head
As I turn around, walk away and put that issue to bed
Do your eyes flood with tears as you witness my scars?
Remnants of situtations destroying the fabric of what I once was
And if I watch what I wish for
It would all be because
Denial of devotion
Made me what I am today

Broken Ankle

2007-11-04T02:36:00.000-08:00

My weekend has been interesting so far. On Friday night, I was supposed to play in a Texas Hold 'Em tournament....and of course Saturday is my father/son day (will explain that later). Well, at approximately 2:00 pm, I received a call for an arraignment.....and at approximately 5:30pm, I was retained. There goes my Texas Hold 'Em. My client of course was not arraigned that evening, and we went into the next day. There goes my father son day..at least part of it..or so I think. We have nothing before lunch (They had his paperwork, but it wasn't finished processing).....I go to lunch at my office, speak with one of my other clients and head back to the arraignment part. On my way back...here I am. Looking smooth in my best suit (and yes...this is my BEST suit)...my cufflinks (did I mention a prosecutor actually summed up on them once).....and eating some potato chips with my briefcase over my shoulder. I go to step up on the curb...and the next thing I know..that smooth surface of my brand new butter soft leather shoes......does not grip what it's supposed to, and within about a second I am looking at my feet. The problem is that I am looking at my feet and I'm not looking down. Which means my feet had to be at about a 90 degree angle to me. You know what the next step is (and I have a theory..it's just me...if I'm looking at my feet and I'm supposed to be standing up..and embarassing moment is occuring before my very eyes). I fall flat on my ass, the potato chips I was eating start flying around (despite my attempts to save them)..the only thing missing is my briefcase flying open and papers flying everywhere. Oh...there is a bonus. While I'm on my way to landing on my ass, I hear a sound. I'm not sure what this sound is...a crack...a snap......a click..but something. I know it's not a good sound to hear while on my way to landing..not on my feet. I also notice that my left foot is doing weird things to attempt to avoid and embarrasing moment. And we all know that I must maintain smoothness at all times and avoid embrassing moments at all costs.
BAM. I'm on my ass.
I swiftly look around, thinking to myself...you could possibly play this off if no one is near enough to you to snicker the same way you would if you were watching this happen to someone else. I then try to get up..with that crooked smile that I do. I swiftly realize something is very wrong here......ummmm...very wrong. I kind of can't get up. (I've fallen..and I can't get up). Thoughts begin to run swiftly through my head. The first one is of course..it's time to abandon the idea that you're going to play this off, and you need to sit your ass on the curb. And of course it's kind of cold. As I'm collecting myself, I realize that I can't put any weight on my left leg...and I can't stand up. That's not good. You're not cool any more. You're not smooth. Ummmm....you need to worry about what to do next and whether this is a break, fracture or sprain. Perspective time.
I can't get up, I can't stand up, I sit my stupid ass on the curb and wait patiently for someone to come over to help me and see what's wrong. Of course that doesn't happen. Hey...I live in New York, and not only that..I'm in Brooklyn.
Actually about 45 seconds later a woman comes over with her daughter and asks me if I'm OK. I am so appreciative of this woman right now, I could kiss her. If I could stand up. Which I can't. She holds out her hand, I grab it, and I am able to stand up straight, which I think is OK. Another woman comes over who had called the police, but I realize that I don't have to take an ambulance (which is my fear at this point in time)......and maybe I can actually walk the 4-5 blocks to court. I thank the woman who helped me and the one who called the police (see...you selfish bastard..you thought no one was helping you)......and I try to walk to the courthouse. There is only one problem. What is about 4 blocks suddenly seems like about 20 miles. Luckily one of my other clients was in the area (he had to speak to me about money and a second case I have with him)...and I have him pick me up. Meanwhile, I call the wife, she is concerned, I tell her I'll sort it out, she doesn't believe me. She calls my brother, who comes and meets me at the courthouse. I arrive at the courthouse, I am scared to look down for fear that I have things twisted and sticking out the wrong way. Every single football game I have ever seen with injuries to players flashes through my mind.
I arrive at the courthouse...barely walking......(because you know me...gotta get that money..I'm not abandoning this arraignment)........and my ankle is swollen. Umm..kind of really big, 'cause I can see it through my sock. I meet my client, I complete the arraignment. I hobble out to my car which my brother has picked up for me.
I realize I'm really hungry...and since the only thing wrong with me is my left foot (thank God for small or big favors)........I can still drive. So I drop my brother back to his house and I drive to my house. Before going to the hospital, I have a great plate of ox tails, macaroni and cheese and cabbage that is NO JOKE. I woof this down, and my wife takes me to the hospital. I had the greatest ER experience one can have. They called me within about 5 minutes for triage..then about another 5 minutes to be admitted. A woman with a pleasent personality and demanor (yes, she was attractive...not in the "I want to fuck you" kind of way..but the pleasent looking kind of way)..examines my ankle, presses a few places and the only place it hurts is where the swelling is. Oh...my ankle looks like a mushroom right now.
They take x-rays. I have to wait a little while for the results. I'm saying to myself..."Come on sprain..come on sprain..come on.....SHIT.....it's broken".
So i'm sitting here in a soft cast that kind of got hard over night...and I have to go to an orthopedist sometime soon. Like Monday soon. But I have court on Monday. *sigh* The dramas of life.

At least I will have more time to blog..I have been neglecting my blog. I also will have more time to delay my trials. Especially this attempted murder case that has me worried out the ass.

Well..that was my day yesterday. My son is soooo concerned about me. I love him. And my wife. Who loves me in spite of myself.
It's 5:59 am, and I really should be asleep, but I'm not. I wonder how hard it is to make waffles on crutches? I will find out in about an hour :)

The moments we live for...

2007-07-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

I think relationships get old when you basically....get used to each other. When people say that they have always maintained that newness...that "spark".....I would love to really speak with them and see how that becomes a reality..or it is something nice to say when you're in public.

For some of us...(way more people than I...not only am I sure..but I know)...there is that THING that you feel...when there is something new.....something that makes you...curious. This is not just with relationships, but even a new hobby...a new adventure you're embarking on....something...new that gets you excited. I think we call that our passion.

When it comes to people though..there is something...about looking in someones eyes for the first time...and feeling that thing in the pit of your stomach that just...MOVES you. Sometimes it even happens by accident..when you happen to glance up and say in your head...."Damn.....she looks good..I didn't even CATCH that before". Then you get curious. And your curiousity leads to exploration. And your exploration leads to going down doors 1-4 (door number one-come on into my life.....and see what happens. door number two-chase me for a little while and then you can come on in. door number 3-there will be no entry into my life....get out of here....door number 4-Exploration started, you discovered what that person really is....and close it as quickly as possible).

I think that for some people, not only is there nothing in this world like that feeling....but you can get addicted to it. It's a shame I guess..beause we can miss out on a lot of what we already have....and what we already possess...because you're always lookiong for...that next thing..that next moment.

I can say this though....to look in someone's eyes and be MOVED.....damn...there is nothing like that.

My high school reunion..and other things

2007-07-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

My high school reunion was yesterday. 20 years. Wow. It really doesn't seem like 20 years. Now the first interesting thing is that when I look back at high school...it's not like I had a large group of very close friends...but attending the reunion reminded me that yes....I actually did know a few people, and a few people know me. I was reminded of my reputation.....class clown. Yep...I loved making people laugh then...and love making people laugh now. Well..kind of sort of.
It's amazing the law of averages kick in. I remembered exactly 2 people there...neither of who remembered me.......(One was an asian girl I used to pull her hair all the time.....I have a clear memory of that..since I still have her senior year picture saying "stop pulling my hair")..and the other was Jean-Grey....who is now Jean Augente.....she had NO CLUE who I was....there was a girl who did remember me named Helen Smith...and I have absolutely no clue why I don't remember who she was...'cause looking at her..ummm.....yep..she's my type...well.....I reallly didn't date white women or have an interest for the most part back then.......(and since I'm married..I guess that would mean I don't date white women..or any other women right now LOL :).........All of that being said..it was nice. Great catching up with a few people I haven't seen since 1987.......it was nice.

My frat brother/best friend Jeff received his letter in the mail....his wife is asking for a seperation..timing couldn't have been better........I hope things will be OK with him..I would really like to see him get back together with his wife......emotional shit is sooo complicated...why can't it be easier? Why do we have to go through pain.....to get to the pleasure? I think the only thing that keeps some of us sane when we hurt sooo bad..is knowing that it will all be better in a matter of time..and the only good thing about hitting bottom..is that it's the BOTTOM..and there is nowhere to go but up.
But you know..sometimes it would be nice...to just....BREATHE>
I feel like i haven't been breathing for a long while......just....BE...relaxed..have fun..and smile.

The Dreams are still the worst....

2007-07-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

And so I had a dream about someone I'm not supposed to dream about. Yes...another woman from my distant past. But...it was so weird. I could see her so clearly.....her face..her hair......her voice was exactly what it was in real life. The dream itself was weird though. It didn't involve sex (surprise surprise) per se. But for some reason, we were getting into my car...my son was in the backseat (what is THAT about)...and her and I agreed to go somewhere..it might have been to run errands...and then drop her off. (In my dream she was also married with kids)......For some reason 2 guys come up to me who know here. It's a father and son (and they are Jewish...I don't know that that makes a difference at all)..and they ask me for a ride. They say they live on the North Shore. She says.."that's ok....come on in the car". Ummm....ok, you know I'm like "What the hell"...the North Shore wasn't even anywhere near where her and I were going to go. They get in the car, for some reason my son is in the front seat...I arrange to have him sitting in the back seat..he is listening to jazz on his Ipod (yes...I should be slapped, my 8 year old son has one of my old ipods).....and these 2 guys get in the back seat. The girl knows I'm steamed....she reaches over into my lap and starts to caress me through my pants.....and I look over..and her smile...damn.....it just makes me so relaxed...and it kind of occurs to me that by dropping these guys off her and I get to spend more time together........and then I wake up.

It's really about the feeling. Why can't I FEEL that way with my wife....I think sometimes we search for that magic.....that.....THING...that makes us just FEEl..just a huge smile on our face....that warm feeling in your chest...that ultimate relaxation.

Anyway. The dreams are still the worst. But I don't hate them. Not any more. They still hurt sometimes. It's been a while since I dreamed about my Dad. But I miss him a lot too.

Visiting the little man

2007-07-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

My son is with the inlaws for about 6 weeks. The wife and I were having a debate about how we were going to see him. She was going to come down on Friday..my high school reunion is on Saturday..so she would have been in DC while I was down there. Last night (July 3)....she said "We could have gone down for tomorrow".....so I drove down last night and got here at 1:30 a.m. It's great to see the little man after not seeing him for a while.

Sometimes I want to write sooo much...that I have nothing to say :). I think I'm going to "dissappear" for a minute. Give myself about a week. There are several new things in terms of cases on the horizon...and I am exiting out of such a bad period in time......I mean it was really horrible. I felt like my caseload dried up...like nothing new was coming in...but sure enough...that has changed. The only thing left is to truly embrace that next level. "I think it, I want it...I work toward doing it". I think that's the only thing that I really need to do...is to work toward it :). The real joy is in working toward things. I also want to see...what happens when I "dissapear"....just giving myself room to breathe. I mean 7 days isn't that bad is it? Just to get my thoughts and actions on a certain plain........(is that the correct spelling)....plane? :)

I really don't think it's that difficult..and I really don't think that I need to do much..but..be consistent. And come up with....a list of things that I want :). (Yeah...and that doesn't mean I have one thing on that list..umm....to make a million bucks LOL :)....

Whatever part 2

2007-06-26T20:01:00.001-07:00

Wrap around me
Bring light into my darkness
Bring warmth into my tundra
Touch my heart
In places hidden from most
Lift me higher than my ego can conceive
Exceed my wildest and most passionate dreams
Whisper that good shit that makes my articulation seem elementary
Breathe life into the living embodiment of drama in the flesh
Pull me into your essence until there is no choice but to mesh
Spiritually
Sexually
Emotionally
Then fall back so my eyes become a reflection of secrets no one knows
Fill me with power until so the only thing I show
Is that I was truly
Right

Boi Souljah

2007-06-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

Who is this guy? I was just running through Itunes.........I linked into a Kanye West beat collection....figured I would run through all the songs I already know he laid down tracks for. I ran across this artist..Boi Souljah. FEELING him. I think I can't get away from that shoot 'em up nigga die slow music...and he has it down (along with Hell Rell). Damn...well, I know what I will be using for some workout material now.

Well..it's been a little while since I made a blog entry. I'm still trying to get my head together. (Maybe my head is sooo big, it has to take a while before I can get it together :). So what do I want to do? Start writing again on a regular basis. This homicide case is just....stressing me out mentally. I have to get my head together..I really need to work myself up for this one. I don't know why I feel that if I win this one....it puts me over the top. I guess it's my imagination.

I need to....focus. I think one of the biggest issues of focusing on external things...no matter what they are....can be a good thing..but it can be a horrible thing if that outside thing is (a) not good for you or (b) is good for you, but gets taken away.......it can throw you off in a huge way. How do you back up and concentrate? I have all the tools that I need to do it....and I really odn't have much time.

Anyway.....one of my best friends got married this past weekend (Prophet Theron :)......but it was interesting..I guess doing it for a second time...it was a very nice wedding...a nice experience.

Well...I need to post more often here..

Another one..El Senor De La Noche-Don Omar

2007-06-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

OK. I first heard this song in DR..and the club went CRAZY. It was the beginning of reggaetone on my ipod..and something I've been fiending for lately...now that I see the translation...or close to the translation....ummm....DAMN..is all I can say..

Don
Don
Millenium

She's dancing all alone (Dancing all alone)
Doesn't know what she's gonna face the poor girl (the poor girl)
That fight that's mortal (Ahhh)
That she will never get to forget me, me

The lord of the night
I'm half man, half animal
The lord of the night
Better scape or he's killing you
The lord of the night
With your heart you should not play

Me
Me
I'll make you climb to the sky
Get down and kiss the hell itself
Me who will be your eternal pain
You so hot me so winter
You that were a prey so easy you cry
So now I live in your hours
There's something in me that makes feel you feel
That controls your dreams and descontrols you
The lord of the night
I'm half man, half animal
The lord of the night
Better scape or he's killing you
The lord of the night
With your heart you should not play

Me
Me
Dreamt to fly with me in a pegasus
And has a broken haeart
Her sentence was signed with a hug
And the venom of my kisses was her failure
Today she's hurt and dying
In this alley without an exit
Without a road all lost
Wishing to loose her life
The lord of the night
I'm half man, half animal
The lord of the night
Better scape or he's killing you
The lord of the night
With your heart you should not play

Me
Me

MilleniumS
he's dancing all alone (Dancing all alone)
Doesn't know what she's gonna face the poor girl (the poor girl)
That fight that's mortal (Ahhh)
That she will never get to forget me, me

The lord of the night
The lord of the night
The lord of the night
The lord of the night
The lord of the night.....

Wow...Que Hiciste-Jennifer Lopez

2007-06-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

So as you can see..I'm in a musical place this evening. I decided to find the translation of Que' Hiciste (What have you done?)...and...WOW....I have to translate some of the reggaetone that I listen to...

Qué Hiciste - Jennifer Lopez - English Translation

Yesterday we both dreamed with a perfect world,
Yesterday the words exceeded our lips,
Because in our eyes we glanced each other's soul
And the truth did not hesitate in your look.

Yesterday we promised each other to conquer the entire world,
Yesterday you swore to me this love would last forever,
Because to be mistaken once is enough,
To learn what is to love sincerely.

What have you done?
Today you've destroyed hope with your pride,
Today you dimmed with your fury my glance,
You've erased all our story with your rage,
And you've mistaken so much love that I gave to you,
With a permission to break my soul like this.

What have you done?
You forced us to destroy the dawns,
And your words erased our nights,
My illusions ended with your farces,
You forgot that love was what mattered,
And with your hands you've teared down our house.

Tomorrow shall a new day dawn in my universe,
Tomorrow I will not see your name written between my verses,
I will not listen to words of regret,
I will painless ignore your remorse.

Tomorrow I'll forget that yesterday I was your faithful loving one,
Tomorrow there won't be even reasons for me to hate you,
I will erase all your dreams of my dreams,
Shall the wind drag the memories of you forever.

What have you done?
Today you've destroyed hope with your pride,
Today you dimmed with your fury my glance,
You've erased all our story with your rage,
And you've mistaken so much love that I gave to you,
With a permission to break my soul like this.

What have you done?
You forced us to destroy the dawns,
And your words erased our nights,
My illusions ended with your farces,
You forgot that love was what mattered,
And with your hands you've teared down our house.

And you've mistaken so much love that I gave to you,
With a permission to break my soul like this.

What have you done?
You forced us to destroy the dawns,
And your words erased our nights,
My illusions ended with your farces,
You forgot that love was what mattered,
And with your hands you've teared down our house.

Rehab-Amy Winehouse

2007-06-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

They tried to make me go to rehab
I say No No No
Yes I've been black..and when I come back
MMMMMM..No No NO

I ain't got the time
And if my Daddy think's I'm fine
They try to make me go to rehab..
I won't go go go

I'de rather be..
At home with Ray
I ain't got seventy days
Cause there's nothing
There's nothing
You can teach me

That I can't learn
From Mr. Hathaway

I didn't get a lot in class
But I know
It don't come
In
A
Shot
Glass

They tried to make me got to rehab
I say No No NO
Yes I've been black but when I come back
I say No NO

I ain't got the time
And if my Daddy thinks I'm fine
Try to make me go to rehab
I won't go go go

The man said
Why you think you here
I said
I got nooooo idea
I'm gonna
I'm gonna
Lose my baby
So
I
Always
Keep a bottle...handy

He said
I just think you're just depressed
This me
"Yeah baby..and the rest"

They tried to make me go to rehab
I said
No No NO
Yes I've been black and when I come back
Ooohh...No No NO

I don't ever want to drink again
I just
MMMM I just need a friend
I'm not gonna spend
Ten weeks
Have everyone think
I'm on the mend

It's not just my pride
It's just
Till these
Tears have dried

They tried to make me go to rehab
I say No No NO
Yes I've been black and when I'm back
I go No No NO

I ain't got the time
And if my Daddy thinks I'm fine
They try to make me go to rehab
And I say
No No NO

My newest song LOL :)

2007-06-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching the MTV Movie Awards and I see this girl...Amy Winehouse...and she performs this song "Rehab". Feeling it. Downloaded it. Not sure which list to put it on.....but of course this song seems soooo appropriate with all our famous people...ummmm....saying...
"Try to make me go to rehab.....
And I say No No No"

LOL.....yeah...this song will probably last me about a week or so..unless something attaches itself to it :)

How we measure ourselves..

2007-06-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

How do we measure ourselves? I mean honestly. How much of our self worth is a reflection of someone else's words? Someone else's actions. A wife feels validated when her husband protects her. A husband feels affirmed when his wife satiates one of his cravings. How much of our true feelings of happiness our measured in the eyes arms and mouths of another person. What happens if that person is removed from your life? Do you turn to ice? Do you suffer in silence? What is the key to becoming self-affirmed? I really don't know...

Just a nothing rant

2007-05-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

The things I want to do are not huge. At least I don't think so. But those small things...seem to be huge for me to accomplish. I am still in that space between creating the remainder of my identity (yes...this can still be done at 37....I think it can be done at any age).

I still recall that Seinfeld episode where George figures....just do the opposite of what he's been doing..to get the opposite results. I think I will try that.

I am moving out of that painful space. I need strength. I crave it. I love that Pain song.....and for some reason, maybe I need to hold onto that space inside of me...for a while. Allow it to come out at the appropriate time.

Why do we crave things? Why do we feel we would be soooo happy "If only this" would happen.
Hurt is so subjective....I mean if I'm not physically injured...why should memories rehashing themselves hurt me? Why should I allow anything or anyone to rent space in my head for free?

Part of me still thinks..that's what the passion is about. That's why there are levels of intensity.
Anyway.........
It's ME Snitches LOL :) (Chillin in my Beamer..listening to Ether)...

I hate it here

2007-04-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

I hate it here. It's cold and it's dark and it's lonely. I lie in the bed of my choices and I suffer with the repercussions of my actions. I hate it here. The pain burns on and on and on and it doesn't go away, it fills my every thought, every moment I spend waking..and the dreams...the dreams. I know this is a good thing. I know this has to be done. How could I not see the signs? How could I be so blind? It burns and burns and burns, and no one can help me, no one CAN be there for me, whether they want to or not. How can an illusion be developed to the point where it traps you in a cage that you found yourself before...and know you can endure..every moment, every step, every single movement you need to make to get yourself out of this place and space....to become bigger, better and stronger than you ever were. Why does it have to happen like this? Why does life dictate that you be tested...in the areas you love to dwell?

I am strong. I will become stronger. I will be better than even my imagination can conceive. But for now...I hate it here.

And it goes on and on

2007-04-28T05:15:00.000-07:00

So I start to do some of the things I want to do. Why are some of the answers so easy...and others are not.

I know what I'm running from
I remember once more..(as if I really ever forgot) what makes me..tick...what makes me the way I am when things go well..when I feel like I'm on top of the world

How much longer do you feel the self inflicted pain of frustration by not doing whatever it is that you want to (lose weight..or in my case tone yourself up....stop thinking about negativity....or in my case...stop thinking about negativity over and over and over and over again)

Things hurt. A lot. Tell me..which is truly better? To freeze up and go cold...not let anything bother you inside so that you never feel this way again...or to become love....to open yourself up so much that you embrace everything that you choose and sometimes don't choose to come into your life?

I think the darkness is safety. I think the light is harder. I know that I feel a lot of pain and frustration right now.

Pain-Three Days Grace

2007-04-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

Pain
Without love
Pain
I can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain than nothing at all

Your sick
Of feelig numb
You're not
The only one
I'll take
You by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life
Is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me
And take my hand
When the lights go out
You'll understand

Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain
Than nothing at all

Anger
And agony
Are better
Than misery
Trust me
I've got a plan
When the lights go out
You'll understand

Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause Ide rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know I know I know I know
I know
That you're wounded
You know you know you know you know
That I'm here to save you
You know You know You know
I'm always here for you
That you'll thank me later

Pain
Without love
Pain
Can't get enough
Pain
I like it rough
'Cause I'de rather feel pain
Than nothing at all

The John Legend Concert

2007-04-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

Now hot fitting is it that I'm listening to my John Legend while talking about his concert. In a word....DAMN....he's the truth :). Let's start out with the beginning. I go with the wife, and give 2 tickets I purchased to my client and his fiance' as an engagement gift. We arrive just in time...as we're actually walking to our seats..the house lights go down.
Now this girl...Corrine Bailey Rae....I hear all kind of good things about her. My man tells me she's the shiznit...my wife tells me she performed on the Grammy's..one of my people tells me how I need to REALLY know about her...so I'm expecting big things from her. I mean...this is Madison Square Garden isn't it? An opening act for John Legend. I'm looking for great things. As I said..the house lights go down...my seats are not the greatest because I missed the presale..so we're on the side..the guy in back of me says "clap clap..is John Legend coming out?" I quietly think to myself "damn...stop being ignorant" (Ignoring that was actually me....a few years ago). Rae steps out on stage, and WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE WEARING? I'm tired of hearing "well, it's the style". There is sexy, and there is not sexy, I don't care what's in or out of fashion. She comes out with those black stockings and little heels that I hate....these silver shoes that my wife instructs me matches her dress. Now she can sing...but no crowd control or energy to speak of After every song the guy in back of me keeps saying to his girl "Clap clap..yeah...is this the last song finally?". And I am quietly agreeing with him 100 percent. Anyway...after an agonizingly long set for me....keeping in mind that yes, she did tear up this Led Zepplin song I don't believe I've heard..she finally gets off stage.
I start thinking about how much money I've spent on these tickets...how much I don't really like his second album..and wondering to myself...is he going to be worth these damn tickets..I mean, I have his Live at SOB's performance on my Ipod..but after the Corrine episode..what am I in for?

The houselights go down a second time...the intro music starts to play (the same intro on his first album).......John Legend steps out on stage in a pair of white linen or khaki type of pants.....a white jacket with a simple grey shirt underneath.....the lights focus on him, he steps up to the mic..now mind you he is probably about 5'6" or 5'9" in that area, he is clearly not a tall man....and he steps to the mic..the crowd is screaming..and from the moment he opens his mouth...he mesmirizes Madison Square Garden. I don't remember the exact order of the songs..but everything you want to hear...he performs with an energy..you just can't learn as an artist...you either it or you don't. His energy flows from whever inside his body it comes from through his voice into the mic and encompasses the crowd.....all the way to my sorry ass seats :)...

This is how an artist should perform. No fancy light show. Now phenomenal backup singers to push him that extra level. John Legend, his piano and his mic...rocked the Garden for a little over an hour......at one point he dances with a woman in the crowd.....takes off his jacket (driving the women crazy).......just keeps that high energy for the entire performance...leaving me incredibly satisfied...hell yeah..another hot concert to be filed in my memory....looking forward to his next album and tour :)

The Dreams are the Worst

2007-04-25T03:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you dream...it is soooo vivid. I mean the voice, the appearance, everything about them seems sooo real...soooo realistic. Even when you know you are dreaming. I had a dream that has me soooo twisted up in pain right now.....sometimes I wish we didn't have to go through this part of life at all. Why do we miss what we don't have so much? Why can't we be content with all the beautiful things that life has blessed us with....why does it HURT so much? All I know is....sometimes...the dreams are the worst.

Handle Me

2007-04-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

Handle me
Reach deep inside you to places you have never gone before
Whisper in my ear until I can no longer endure
The comfort that makes me so sure
You are down for me without question
And it's not even about the sessions
The moans and screams
The orgams exceeding the wettest dreams
The blood on my back
And your hair in my hand
While you look into the mirror
And truly understand
Temptation in the flesh
As our essence mesh
Wondering which one is worse than the other
While my sweat drenched physique
Slowly starts to smother
Whatever past was your reality
And you become my definition of fantasy

It's about
That emotional connection that everyone longs for
And the days and nights that both of us swore
We would never be here again
And yet
Here
We
Are

Forming your personality-drawing the line

2007-04-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

So. We all know that we have our limits to our personality. What is it that we will put up with? What is it that we won't? When will we change? When do we forgive..when do we seek retribution. I am reminded about my own limitations, what I set for myself. I know that deep inside of me..I think I made an entry earlier about whether I am cold or warm inside. Deep inside of myself, at my center, there is warmth. I can be warm and make decisions that other people don't like. But I really think that at my center I am love.

However, outside of this center....encasing that warmth..is ice. It is the cold look I get in my eyes that let's someone else know "I'm not the one". The look I get right before I'm about to say something crazy in court....or right before I'm about to tell someone something they don't want to hear. I also know that there is a certain amount of glee in my eyes before I do anything like this...as if someone else, or some situation has released that part of me, and allowed me to be...ignorant....to inflict pain....to.....engage in my negative side. Is that a bad thing? I don't know. I do know one thing. I have hit a limit of mine...and as Tupac said "There's going some stuff you gonna see..that's gonna make it hard to smile in the future" What is it that we hold on to..to make those hard decisions? To be comfortable with things we wouldn't have done otherwise? I digress....I just want to look back at this post...and remember...there are times when a fork in your road is arrived at, and after seeing what I have seen....you can close just a peice of your heart....again.

Pain in a short story.

2007-04-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

The tears streamed down her beautiful face, in all it's coldness, her voice thick with emotion.
"How could you do this to me" she tried to stop the catch in her voice and the tears continued to fall faster than she could shake them off. Her dark brown eyes were transfixed upon his face, her hands balled into fists tight enough to draw blood from her palms
"How....could....you....do...this......TO MEEEEE!!!"
She wanted to slap him but his return gaze told her that would do nothing but raise their emotional tension even further.
"I did it" he whispered "I never meant to....but...I did it. I told you. You didn't listen. I begged you. You didn't listen. I tried everything within my power to make us....beautiful. And you shattered my hopes, you twisted your knife in my heart. What did you think I would do" The cold steel in his eyes returned her gaze without compassion. "You brought this on yourself. You know it"
"I love you" she looked down, still unable to stop the flow of her tears. "I always loved you. I tried to show you the only way I knew how. You betrayed me more than once. You hurt me like no one has ever hurt me before. How could you do this to me? What did I ever do to you?"
He reached out and caressed her waist length black hair, then pulled her chin up so they stared at each other once again. "You got so deep inside me. I let you in. I let you in like I haven't allowed in countless years that seemed like yesterday. I told you to keep me warm. I told you about devotion. I begged you to satiate my hunger. I showed you what makes me salivate, I shared the inner essence of everything I had. We were united in pleasure and divided in pain. Now all that we have left will be this memory to remain....this is what we are now"
Her hand wiped away the last tear that he was never supposed to see, she stared in his eyes and in the coldest voice he ever heard her voice no longer wavering "4 years...and there is only one thing I have to say to you. Fuck you, and I wish I never met you"
As she drove away and he looked at her for the very last time in his life, he collapsed into a state of oblivion as he felt her pain....through the echoes of the memories in his head.

How you live your life

2007-04-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

How many times can you think to yourself....you are truly going to change? You will take those baby steps one by one...and start that journey you have been looking forward to for so long? How long does it take? Exactly what does it take? Are you truly a person of extremes that lives between the boiling hot place and the frigid cold? Do you have to have a medium? Is it even good for you? What is it that frustrates you in certain areas....and allows you to accomplish things with ease in others? What is it that prevents you from operating at at least 80 percent of your capacity? Is that asking too much of you? I don't think so.....so when will it happen? Is it now? What is it about? Is it consistency? Is it the end results? Sit down and have a long long talk with yourself...one thing is clear...you have to move out of THIS space..and the sooner...the better :)

More Pain

2007-04-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

I know this place
I know it well
It rips through every vein and pore of my body
It's my own intense personal hell
It forces the tears from my eyes in places that nobody sees
It forces every ounce of strength from my being
And breaks me while I'm on my knees
It's the denial of the wants that my mind thinks I desire
It's the refusal of another to do the things that would tell me they admire
My presence
My being
Making me the man that's worth seeing
Showing me how much of a priority they are in my life
I am now consumed with the thoughts of conflict and strife
I hate it here
It's cold dark and lonely
No one can help my fears
And it seems that the only
Thing I can do at this moment is vent through these words
Stare in the mirror and think to myself about how absurd
It is when I view these events in the eyes of logic
There is none of that now, I continue to scream
As I can't even make myself the promise
That I will never be here again
Sometimes I think it's only a matter of when
I return to this place
And articulate this space
But for now my pain
Is the only thing that remains
As the foremost thought...
In my weak ass brain

2007-04-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

So I find myself in this space and time..confused.....and yet not. A wide range of emotions..all incredibly intense....but yet somehow this theory in the back of my mind keeps repeating. Can anyone else relate to this?
I feel as if there is something incredibly powerful...that I am soooooo close to, I mean very very close to..but I need to tap into it. It's like an energy.....that just requires some small set of consistent actions..for me to tap into...to get to where I need to go. But I"m in a needy phase. I need.....something that's missing right now. But it might be right underneath my face. What should I do? Which way should I go? When did I stop being comfortable with who I am? And the things I do? And how can I go back to that space?

Shareefa-Cry No More

2007-02-10T16:02:00.000-08:00

I just can't cry no more..
'Cause I'm over you
And I can't keep thinkin bout you
Too many things on my mind besides you
I've seen things deeper than you and I
Just can't cry no more
'Cause I'm over you

Over all the times you played me
Over all the stress the mess I don't need
Over all the stuff that hurt me and I
Just can't cry no more

Now there you go just buggin out
That's why I'm so through with you
Can't be playin games with you
Because the craziness comes with you
And I just hate it
You never stop to think about
All the hard shit that I done seen
People shot in front of me
And I thought you'de change everything
But you played the same
And I

Just can't cry no more
'Cuase I'm over you
And I can't keep thinkin bout you
Too many things on my mind beside you
I've seen things deeper than you and I
Just can't cry no more
'Cause I'm over you

Over all the times you played me
Over all the stress, the mess I don't need
Over all the stuff that hurt me
And I just can't cry no more
'Cause I'm over you

Now every time I think about
All the things you put me through
What was I supposed to do
I was in love with you
And I was falling
And you know what you was doin to me
When them broads would run their mouth
How you let 'em up in my house
You don't deserve me
Shut your mouth
Baby talk
I'm out
And I just can't cry no more

Cause I"m over you I'm so over you
And I can't keep thinkin bout you Mind besides you
Too many things on my mind besides you
I've seen things deeper than you and I

Just can't cry no more
'Cause I'm over you
OVer all the times you played me
Over all the stress the mess I don't need
Over all the stuff that hurt me

And I could never
I could never be the sucker woman who's going there
I've been fightin heavy since the day I was born yeah...
'Cause I'm a rida
'Cause baby girl's a rida
I'm a soul survivor
I could never be the sucker woman who's going there
I've been fighting heavy since the day I was born yeah...

I just can't cry no more
Nigga I don't know about you
'Cause I'm over you See I only think about you
And I can't keep thinkin bout you
Too many things on my mind besides you
I've seen things deeper than you and I
can't just cry no more
'Cause I'm over you
Over all the times you played me I'm not gonna cry no more
Over all the stress the mess I don't need 'Cause I'm walkin out that door
Over all the stuff that hurt me 'Cause I can't keep cryin
And I It feels like I'm dyin
Just can't cry no more

I can see it comin down my eyes
So I gotta make the song cry
And now I'm a sleep at night
So for you

I just can't cry no more
Over you

Brief but...

2006-12-23T06:15:00.000-08:00

So much has happened since I last posted. Is change truly eternal? I am in a very different space now. A very good space...and yet it's so difficult. I hope to post before the year is out.....but for now....things are...different.

Another whatever

2006-10-30T20:10:00.000-08:00

I opened up
And gave you access to everything I was
I lay prostrate in the bed of reality
And you threw it all away just because
You couldn't express yourself
And it created that eternal heat in my own personal hell
To destroy the fabric of my security
And force me to look into the mirror and doubt the center of me
How could you throw away what so many would give so much to stand next to
How could you thrust us into the center of not knowing what the hell to do
Your decision is to throw me to the wolves
And see what else is out there
But you are mistaken if you think for one moment that I am scared
I know everything happens for a reason
And by the time you hear my words it will be way too late
Because my please fell on deaf ears and someone else had to satiate
What I tried to extract
From
You

2006-10-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

Where does the pleasure turn into pain?
Where does the passion turn into ice?
How many memories need to remain?
When does the past cease to slice
Deep into your heart
Tearing the fabric of your sanity...
Slowly but continuously apart?

What happened to what we could have been?
What happened to the place and space where we shared in the ultimate sin?
What am I supposed to do
When I finally realize I have the strength
To tell you we're thru

Whatever

2006-10-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

And the tears flow
On and on and on....
And his heart shows
The intenstity of pain he thought was gone
And the night thickens
As his nightmare has truly come to life
He finds himself alone once again
As he climbs into bed with his wife

Seasons of Love-Written for someone else...

2006-10-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

(This was NOT for me LOL :)

Seasons of Love-my interpretation

How do you take a moment in my life
And create the magic that you do
Whether it’s in the movie theatre
Or in the confines of my car when you remove my fears
With the touch of your hand
Upon my chest where I no longer feel any pain
Do you how your image always remains
Embossed in the front and back of my mind
You turned my entire world around
I stumbled into your existence and I have lost and found
The definition of love
And redefinition of devotion
I can’t even begin to articulate the strength of my emotion
Spiraling out of controlT
hen reigned back in again
All because one day you allow me to hold
Your physical presence….
And then in your absence
I foldInto a shell of the strength of my essence
Your kiss is s gift that goes deeper than these words can convey
I want your caress and hope that you may
Enjoy the space that we share
And one day I hope you will be comfortable enough to care
About what I want…what I hope…what I dream
To put yourself to the side
And refuse to hide
Those things that you think make you weak
And you relax enough to allow yourself to speak
The words into my ears
And remove all of my fears….Please dearest…I ask you…….Before whoever and whatever lies abov
eAllow me to live in just a few of your…
Seasons of love

It's been a while...

2006-10-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

For some odd reason, I have thought of soooo many posts that I just never...completed. There is a peice that I know I have in the back of my mind....another pain peice..and it has been sooooooo long since I completed something new.
I have to agree with the saying that feeling pain can be a good thing..it keeps you...alive. But.....WHY does it have to be like that? I feel like after the pain...comes my backwards ass pleasure of releasing it....one someone..or in some situation. And I have been feeling pain....for no reason. Seriously. For no reason. Where does this frustration come from? Why do I feel the need to turn...cold again? Why do I equate a feeling of power when I feel that ice..when there is no real reaction to anything someone else can do or say to me? I want to be my favorite phrase.....I ....AM.......LOVE. Sometimes I question..what will I do next? What comes next? There are so many things happening as we speak....and for some reason....I don't want to turn to some of the PEOPLE in my life right now.......and yet....I think I always feed of that interaction. The people in my life make me feel good....positive...offer advice and guidance...and inspiration......which propels me...pushes me to be better.
I still have poetry in my head...I want to see what comes out.....but I'm scared to see...what would come out.

Turning inside out

2006-09-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Cum here
Let's play this game
Raw
The way it's meant to be played
Look into my eyes
Read my thoughts and tell me what makes me sway
Moan
And gasp your name
Stare beyond the physical essence that stands over you
Until only the reality of the moment remains the only thing we know is true
Etched into every pore of our existence at that space and time
As your heart finally warms at the idea of a portion of you being mine
Surrender all that you knew before our interaction
Open up and return my devotion
And begin the chain reaction
That explodes at every bend and turn
Nails digging into my skin as your sensation starts to burn
Covered by the explosive passion before those ice colds memories temper the fire
Rewind our reality as we begin the spark before the flame before the embers that retain the heat
Place your hand upon my chest
And give me every emotion that I seek
Share your past with me
Those hidden corners that no one else knows about
Whisper in my ears the betrayals, fears and moments you thought you would never live without
Long before my name became a reality in your world
Long before your reality collided with my existence and whatever this is began to unfurl
Step up to the plate
With demands that have never been placed upon you
Breathe the reality of what I am deep into your lungs
As my interaction begins to show you what is true
Know me like you have never known any other man
Steel yourself for the reality that no other person ever needs to understand
Push me to the brink past even my guidelines of what I thought was reality
Your tongue on my chest is only the beginning of what eventually could come to be
The culmination of years spent tortured, conflicted and broken more times that I care to count
Stand in the gap, hold me down and rise above all that existed in my reality that I want to show you
Not to brag or demonstrate anything shallow to reaffirm my ego
Just put your hands around my waist, lose yourself in my kiss and alow both of us to finally let go
Of whatever those things that stress us out at the center of the places we so desperately fear to tred
Become the essence of what I need as you become the sustenance when I need to be fed
Forget whatever you learned before I stepped into my life
Become that bitch that welcomes any challenge because you trump temptation I once thought irresistable
And I have this insatiable craving to taste those lips which are oh so kissable
And merge in that secret place and space that only the two of us know
As I am no longer whatever it is that I thought I couldn't live without
And love what you see as you and I have looked at each other
Inside
Out

Passion.

2006-09-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

Passion. A concept you know I love..(look through my entries). A feeling I am familiar with...the lack of it...as well as the intensity and fulfillment it can bring. Somewhere I remember reading that you must seek passion in your daily life. Every day you must seek something that challenges you...that makes you feel alive.
There is the belief that that is part of what makes some people participate in "extreme" activities....that there is where you live in the moment..that you...feel. For me....I don't know where it comes from...all the time. But I do know right now (and yes, I do know that you're not supposed to begin a sentence with the word "but") I feel it. I am soooo feeling it.

As I sit here and type...I am at a cornerstone in my life. Maybe a "George Constanza" if you will.....if everything you have done in your life makes you turn out the wrong way...do the opposite of what you do....and everything will go right. Of course one of the big problems is that everything has never gone wrong for me...so now you have to figure out what it is that you change...and what it is that you keep.

I have a situation where I am working with an experienced and seasoned attorney who is looking to get out of the business. I take half of whatever comes in through him.....and keep all I get. Sounds like a can't lose to me. I moved office space...definitely glad to be out of the environment that I was in originally. I finally have someone working for me (part time for now)...and I look forward to making that work out as well.

Sooooo.....passion. Where does it come from? How does it feel? Maybe it is actually a myth that we are supposed to be able to complete ourselves. Meaning that in an objective reality we have to allow ourselves to feel...another person's influence. I still agree that if all that remains is faith, hope and love...the greatest of these....is love. Truly it is. And if the greatest of these is love....is it now the love for another being....or the love for yourself? There was a period in my life where I said "it's all about self". I don't agree with that 100 percent any more. It is partially about self...but it is also.....about....love. To share with another...to....feel that passion and that warmth...when you are MOVED. For now...I live in the memory...of.....passion.

WHY am I typing on a blog right now?

2006-07-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

Sooooo...I'm sitting in the business room of the Embassy Suites in DC. It's my fraternities 100 year anniversay and our national convention. I am a little puzzled right now for a few reasons. 1) It's 9:30am, I have been up for the plast hour and a half..it's Saturday, I went to bed around 5:45 am.....WHY AM I AWAKE? I'll tell you why! I'm a sucker for free breakfast...and MMMMM MMMMM wasn't it good this morning. Which brings me to another point..why on earth don't I make breakfast like every morning? I mean..we all know what they say "It's the most important meal of the day"...but beyond that...I actually LOVE breakfast food. I can eat it any time of the day (note: Please talk about the "around the clock" story when my cousin and I went out for breakfast about about 4am)

2) Since I am awake...why don't I carry my skinny narrow ass on back to my ROOM....and go back to sleep? Because clearly typing on my blog has some type of importance and significance that I cannot LEAVE this room without making and entry here.

3)I dont have a third reason. It's hard to puzzle me. I mean we all know.....I am sooooo great :)

But anyway....... a few of my frat brothers are staying here as well....I feel REALLY good.....and wanted to share a good post with myself LOL (and anyone else who is unfortunate enough to stumble across my board). I have no plans today. The only thing I have to do tomorrow is to go back to NYC with the little man :).

I still want to post about relationships...maybe I'll start with the significant people in my life...or maybe not LOL :).........how about a blog about blogging? I guess deep inside (well it's not a guess, I know this 100 percent)..a part of me is CONSUMED with my exhibitionistic side (again in the Landmark Forum..we call it the "looking good"....and I just want to have an audience LOL :).....so people could vote in...what do you want to read? What interests you? Well..since this blog is for me...I guess I have to choose :) I'll start of off with whatever I feel like :).....

Memories

2006-07-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about a line in a book I am reading..and it talks about things that you need to do daily..to be fulfilled in life. The author stated you need to be PASSIONATE about something....which reminds me...of moments in my life...those times when you feel...PASSIONATE :)

Let's talk about...going out with someone new. I have a very clear memory of someone nameless.......in my former life when I was dating..I met them outside of a party one of my friends was having. As they are walking out...I was speaking with 2 of my friends..just kicking it..catching up on old times. I looked at them..but since I had a girlfriend (of course)....I decided for some odd reason to be good.....and after looking at them..and they looked at me..I returned to our conversation. As they were passing by, I figured....let me take a look at what the rear view has to offer in this category..because their eyes were sooooo dynamic and clear...their hair was.....the length and type that I liked.......and as they were passing by, they turned around and we made eye contact...and still I figured....let me be good. I figured she would be going along her way and I would keep up with the conversation I was having.....until this girl walked up to the three of us and said "My friend said you guys were talking about her..and wants to know what you said". Of course mentally I think to myself..."OK..you can only be but SOOOO good..cause this girl is sooooo sexxxy"....and I walk right over and introduce myself. This is the part about passion. Can you relate to this?

You know when you can look someone dead in the eyes...and for some reason it's different? I mean you FEEL them...it's like...when you start to connect. The conversation was out of control..there was a back and forth vibe...it was just.....easy...natural. No effort...no need for reaching...just.....being who we were. We exchanged information but when I told her I had a girlfriend, she said she wasn't interested in a man with a girlfriend already.....I figured I understand..but wanted to see how far she was going to push it. She didn't ask for her card back....and told me to email her.

Well kiddies..guess what I did? Of course I emailed her.....and she deleted it without reading it. Of course I wind up seeing her online one day..im'd her, figured if she would blow me off then..it's a rap..at least it was a nice conversation. Well, one thing leads to another, we wind up talking for about an hour and a half. Fast forward about a week and a half later..we go out for lunch. And it's great. I mean...just comfortable. I'm looking at her and thinking to myself...damn this girl is sexy. And I don't mean just the "I look good..I'm too sexy for my hat" sexxxy, I mean the whole package. The look, the clothes, the eyes are INCREDIBLE...the conversation..the interaction..was the type you don't want to end. Communication and the sharing just......makes life great..even if it only is for that space and time. And that's rare. I mean I know that I have done that to women before..where I have felt nothing. And I know that she has done that to other guys...who she wasn't feeling. But that back and forth.....was like two peas in a pod. And do you ever wonder WHY that happens.....and is it just something to show....us....this is PASSION.

Well, I'll talk about the rest of the story at a later time.....but that memory....was like....the perfect date. Without the kiss.

Another whatever

2006-07-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have discovered passion
Lost it
And rediscoverd it again
I have touched the tip of a force
That I am only starting to understand
I have hungered for a satiation
Of my carnal cravings in their bottomless pit
I have felt the touch of one who would move me
And frustrate myself with my mental gymnastics when all I have to do is sit
And
Be
Happy

A Sixers' entry...

2006-07-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

I was going to sign on today to write some emotional entries, blah blah blah...maybe post a poem..until I read aol's front page...ummmm...the Sixers are going to trade Allen Iverson? Now let's keep in mind..for those who are reading this and don't know me..I'm not a "sports guy". The funniest thing happened in my former life (you know..my life before marriage..the one I don't remember at all? :)...I used to date this woman who LOVED the Yankees...and LOVED sports...and it was like role reversal. All of that being said, I have about 4 basketball jerseys. Well my favorite is my authentic Shaq jersey (because we know how I love to pay too much money for an article of clothing..what the hell am I doing with an authentic jersey anyway..I'm not 18 years old...and no one I know even cares about it...and before I bought it I couldn't tell the difference.....and ummm.....really didn't care about it either..but I digress).....but anyway, my favorite is my Shaq jersey...followed by my Iverson jersey (Yes, I have a Bryant and James jersey as well :)......my Iverson jersey is my second favorite though (well, coming out of 4 that says a lot right? :)....but seriously..how on earth can Philly even THINK about trading The Answer. Wouldn't I love to see him go to Cleveland (by the way, I purchsed my Lebron James ticket last year.....and was waiting on the line to that train while my self proclaimed favorite of all time Shaq...won yet another championship......but again we digress. Philly needed to build a team around him....getting rid of AI is such a stupid move that even I know better than that..and I tell you, it's quite a well known fact..I know NOTHING about sports. Well, all that being said, I will post another entry....but I still can't believe that this even has taken up this much space on my blog and in my mind but hey.....what do you want? It's that outrageous

Dreams

2006-07-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

I had 2 dreams last night which I can remember....both of which might be significant.

The first dream, I was working out with an instructor...well, there was someone I know who I was with. It was a male, but I don't know who it was, I just know from our interaction, it was someone I actually know. I completed 60 pushups (why is there this push up theme in my dreams)..and was very proud of myself...since I can't do pushups like that yet LOL :).....

The second....and...more haunting.....I was messing around with a married woman. I was in her house....I don't remember actually having sex in my dream, all I know is that I was in her bedroom and she went to take a shower (thus, the logical, I must have had sex with her). She goes to the shower, I am waiting in the bedroom, and her husband comes home with their two children. (A daughter and son). I have no idea where to go, I don't know the layout of the house, the door is somewhat closed....and the bedroom door was white with those slats, so you can actually see who is in the hallway through the slats. Her son and daughter (who are young...let's say around.....8 and 9 or so.....go past the room into the bathroom to talk to her...I think they might have seen me. I don't know what to do, so I go into the closet. THe problem is my sneakers are out in the bedroom. Her husband goes into the bathroom......winds up coming back to the bedroom, I am soooooo pissed at her, that she did not make sure he didn't come into their bedroom and just lead them downstairs or something to give me time to either get out of there, or find a good hiding space. He actually comes right to the door of the closet where I am hiding, opens up the door...and as I am thinking about whether I should just push him out of the way and make a run for it......or stay in the closet because he might not have seen me...I woke up. Which led me to a whole train of thoughts. Is it possible that I could mess around with a married woman who would rather make it seem like I was robbing their house and they didn't know me..... versus taking the weight of having been with me. This is why it's best to stay out of sticky situations.

July 4th

2006-07-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

It's July 4th, 2006. Do I feel like I have reached a greater understanding of myself? Definitely.
Do I feel like I have made progress in certain areas of my life? Definitely.
I have so far to go, so many things I want to do......but only time will tell. For me, it's basically the beginning of summer. And summer is my season LOL :)....yes it is :). I look forward to what these next two months will bring.....I look forward to rediscovering my passion.....delving...deeper into myself. Maybe I'll just feed off my ego for a little while (Lord knows it's big enough).......but still maintaining my perspective about reality.

I really think this is one of those times and areas of my life...where I better just enjoy life as it's happening...because it doesn't get much better than this. Well, it does and it doesn't. It gets better in terms of achievements.....but things are great right now..and I can make them stay that way.

I saw my ex recently. It was the first time in over 4 years...and wow. My wife doesn't understand why I maintain a friendship with her..she feels that I'm not letting go of my past. Nothing could be farther than the truth. The friendship that we share is sooooo much not what it was in the past..it is so not physical...not....a temptation issue..it's just great to have a friend who can know you for who you REALLY are..not who you pretend to be..and accept you for who you REALLY are. (And for some of us, who we really are...is scary LOL :)......we talk about my marriage, which she has given me incredibly valuable advice about.........about work...(she has walked me through my last two trials).....anyway, it was really good to see her...and I always wish her the best (she doesn't have a boyfriend.....well, that's a whole other story).

Last weekend the wife and I were in DC, and walked along the Wall...and climbed the steps of the Lincoln Memorial...it was.....nice.

I'm going to close out here......I have more entries in my head..but for a later time.

Half post half poem

2006-06-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

Soooo.....I have nothing productive to say...but everything seems like it's swirling around my head. I will be moving into a new office starting August 1, and that should be very interesting. The rent is higher (much higher)..but the office is bigger and better (much better).....for some odd reason, today I have sounded like I am sooooooooooo depressed to 2 people I spoke with (my ex and one of my boyz)..but not to my wife. I wonder why? Do I pretend that much that I'm able to cover it with her? Or is she used to me being in this type of mood? Or is there that much of a lack of perception here. Whatever. Well.....let me just write something small..it's been such a long time.....

I create
My own space
In my own time
In my own way
I crave.....
Satisfaction in my life
Elimination of my strife...
And passion....

Ahhhh...the sweet taste of passion
The honey dripping from my mouth down my neck
That ice cream covering the base of your naval eliminating your sweat
The moans that sound like music to my ears
Your nails in my back that destroy my fears
The comfort of your song when you never even sing
The finale of your orgasm when you finally bring
Peace
And
Satisfaction

Where is the ledge?

2006-06-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

Where is the line between what you can do..and what you are designed to do.......and your weakness that can just infect your mind and convince you that you are not meant to travel a path you feel you were meant for.

I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed that I was with someone I used to know.....a woman I used to be intimate with....and my insecurities flooded me. To the point that I felt I needed to get rid of her because I couldn't TRUST her.......but for some reason I couldn't do it. (by the way, this paragraph has nothing to do with the first...I'm just rambling).

When does my mind perceive and process...reality...and when does my mind just twist it's perceptions to place me in the world that is my own creation? I really don't know.

I do know there was a time when I felt like I did whatever I wanted.....because I could. I am different. I mean...we all are different...but I felt like I'm just...different that most. I do what I want and I do what I feel because I only live life once.....only pass this way once...and as they say...(and by the way, who is "they"?)....there is no dress rehearsal here. And I have LIVED. I mean...I have tasted the sweet and the bitter that life has to offer.....and in some twisted ways....loved both.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not....living. I mean up to my full potential. I'm not.......feeling the rush that's out there...savoring every moment that comes my way. Some days I do...some day's I don't. And sometimes I feel like maybe I should just get back on that "No Rib shit"....(ahhhh...to comment about that another time.

For now, I just want to know where the ledge is...and am I standing on it....am I anywhere near it?

Rambling

2006-05-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

What do I do? How do I move into the present and internalize that all the lessons I have learned in my past don't apply to most women? I mean....let's take women. You know it seems the worse you treat a woman..the better they treat you. But that's not all women. Or is it? Why do I wonder about that?

How do I move beyond the idea that it's NOT about my outer appearnace..my outer..achievements. It's about what I want....what I say I need....to be fulfilled. Why have I felt soooo stressed out for so long and for no reason? How do you move beyond this space?

Again..I have a feeling..that I am soooo close. I mean soooooo close! Something huge is about to happen, but I'm not sure what it is. I feel like I am getting more and more in tune with my.....godself..my inner nature. I have to be careful....about my associations now. I think now more than ever, that is critical. I have been blessed with some great friends. And of course there are those who.....don't need to be in the inner circle in my life anymore. Anyway...as the title says..I'm rambling....

All the wrong reasons

2006-05-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

Allow me to revisit this jealousy issue. Ummmmm...it still hasn't gone away. And although I step outside myself mentally at times...it still doesn't mean that I have resolved my issues. Why on earth would I have this emotion GRIP me? I mean run through my veins, infect my brain and settle into my heart? It makes no sense! And still I feel it. And what does it do for me? Well.....I have been "excercising" (and that's in quotes beause for now it's a matter of being consistent versus effective right now).....for the last 2 weeks...starting to change my diet (yes, little by little, and there are people who think I'm nuts..they don't see how these love handles are starting to form)........I'm starting to get things together at work, but I have a very long mile to run in that area!!!! The scariest thing for me is that I have not truly taken steps I want to take...internally. I'm talking about being comfortable...truly comfortable...with ME! Just...hey, this is where I am..this is where I'm supposed to be..I'm happy here..no matter where that is! I go back and forth, back and forth..some days, I FEEL it..(I'm on that "No Rib" sh*t)..and other days.....my insecurities fester like a disease! I feel like I'm in a competition..THAT I'M NOT IN!!! No one CARES about how you dress..no one CARES about what type of car you drive..no one CARES whether you're eating right or spending enough time with your family. Those are MY issues. MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE (a la Daffy Duck).
I have to learn to kick back....take satisfaction in the steps that I am taking....and be HAPPY. Again, I repeat, and I get this certain days...my life is a wonderful thing, what on earth do I have to complain about? Nothing. Seriously. This could possibly be one of the highlights of my life...right now. So why do I allow myself to become frustrated? Mental reprogramming. That's what it is really about. That's what I need to do.
Anyway...I have to run some errands.......This is another personal post..maybe later today I will make one that's not so personal.

So the week concludes and...

2006-05-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

I'm still at the beginning. I still have these fits of jealousy....which make no sense to me. I'm still trying to reprogram my mind and get out of the throes of my own addictions and selfishness. And if I were outside of myself, I would say what my father used to say "Just get over it. Just get past it" And yet it's not that easy. I know that I feel sooooo much more fulfilled when I accomplish any small goal that I set out for myself (I excercised every day this week, that's a good thing). The more I accomplish...the freeer I am. But I still have sooooo much farther to go.

Why do we ever concern ourselves with the way someone ELSE feels about us? I mean...in reality why should it affect our moods...our lives? If things are going well with my wife, then everything is fine for me. If things are not....it throws my entire day/week out of whack. Not a good look. I mean, we are human, and when we choose to share something together.....opening up affects us. That is a reality no matter how much we pretend it doesn't. Unless you have reached a level of true enlightenment. And..truth be told, I should be enjoying that path itself. I mean....isn't that what it's about? Enjoying our journey as we take it?

Anyway....there are still steps that I need to take....to get to where I want to go. Community Service. Writing on a daily basis. Clearing out my backlog in my schedule. I mean in reality those are the only things. And yet....why do they seem sooooo huge? I really don't know. OK, well I do..it's all in my mind. And that's why the thought recreation process is where I am trying to go. I guess...when I boil it down...for me, it's still all about STRENGTH.

Retraining my thought process

2006-05-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

OK, let's see......today was uneventful...NOT. It started out raining, I negotiated toward this divorce settlement that has been HANGING over my head forever, I had a really good day.......but there has been something on my mind since my "recreation" post.
I have to retrain myself in the way I think. That means on a daily basis, doing SOMETHING which reprograms my responses to certain thoughts...in order to improve the way I live. Procrastination is the key thing....to be overcome. Excercise has been OK so far, it's time to step that up. But more importantly is exacly how I need to react to certain thought processes. Let's take....ummmm...masterbation :). I do it way too much. Way too often. Why? I don't know........I want to reprogram that. Certain items on my to do list...are still there. Why? Reprogram. How do I reprogram? Well from my first thought in the morning to my last thought at night..I will have to find a way. There is no option here.
I HATE feeling weak. And I feel that by giving into my temptations..my procrastinations...they make me WEAK. I can't have that. (Not a good look LOL :). Will I be able to accomplish it? Of course..it's just a matter of time. So....we shall see what lies ahead :)

Oh...2 more things

2006-05-12T02:04:00.000-07:00

1) My name was in the paper yesterday. About a case where my guy took a plea deal (71 felony counts...pled to 6 months).......I didn't like the case at all....wanted to get it dismissed.

2)When I was dreaming about my Dad..there was this weird music playing in the background, and the female voice kept saying "D-I-C-I-G"..whatever that means.

I know I'm not the only one on this planet that thinks their weird..more than sometimes LOL

Another dream about my father

2006-05-12T01:54:00.000-07:00

I dreamed about my Dad again. This was a little disturbing to me (I'm up at 4:51am typing it...does that let you know?). The portion of the dream came out of nowhere because I was with my cousin (Mike the Q) and we were going to citibank for something (probably because I took out some money from Citibank today)......for some reason I had to stop by my mother's house (who lives around the corner from the Citibank)....and then somehow we magically wound up in my mother's car. Mike is in the backseat, but I never look at him (and he doesn't appear in this dream again at all)...and for some odd reason my mother is driving a Ford Contour. (She says it's my brother's car) We go to the hospital. My father is laying there with tubes in him, and he has lost sooooo much weight, he is definitely close to dying. (And not those great tubes that you see in Greys Anatomy that look so thin and clean, the fucked up tubes they stick in people when they're dying). He was asleep when we walked into the hospital, and I said something (I don't know what)...and his eyes fluttered. He started talking to me...but he wasn't grounded, he was saying something or singing something I can't remember right now. He sat up, my mother was trying to get him to lay back down. He had the look that he had right before he died (in real life).....but the difference was in real life, his mind never left him, he was always sharp, he always remained focused mentally.

Maybe i'm thinking about how much he wanted to will himself to live...imagine him knowing that after he days I'm the one who is the oldest child to carry on whatever this is that he left. Damn......what a fuck up. I miss him.......clearly I need to find whatever it is in me that he left by touching me with his life...because CLEARLY my life has not been an indication of that.

I love you Dad.

Recreation update

2006-05-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well.....it's not going so well LOL :). A little bit yesterday...a few steps forward a few steps backward. I think I will continue my "quiet" period.....because once the middle of June hits...I have every intention of opening my huge mouth again. Business is coming in though....and that's a great thing! Hopefully everything will come together in time....the key for me is PATIENCE...not immediate results :). So moving in small steps help. I do have to get back to writing again though....look for another "true or false" story :)

First day of re-creation

2006-05-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

So many things are flying through my head right now.....I need to...silence the voices. And that is really the first step. Silence the voices and work on improvement. We will see......I can say this. My own insecurites are INCREDIBLY unattractive.......it doesn't get uglier than that. And since I am quite comfortable with my uncontrollable ego........They must be eliminated. Quickly :)

The recreation

2006-05-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

I have to recreate myself. Again. Basically, I have to get back to some of the foundations I had in a time that seems sooooo long ago. There are things that I do (procrastination) which make me feel...weak. Insecurities that most people never see that...enslave me. I have to free myself....from myself. I have to embrace my strength, and hone my natural energies to achieve the things I want....out of life. My first step of recreation will be....
Silence.
Not silence the way most people may think of it...but silence to things I usually have engaged in....to change patterns of behavior which have become second nature. Pick what I like and leave what I don't. Create my own internal compass to adhere to....and be comfortable with myself. So this week will be the week of....silence.
Let's see how I do.

What happened to me?

2006-05-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I felt...invulnerable. I was so sure of myself in so many areas...and although I know I had my insecurities......I had my ego security blanket to hold onto which would abolish them so quickly. Where is that blanket? Why can't I find it? Why would I even doubt myself constantly? What happened to me...and when did it happen? Just questions to ask myself...

Keyshia Cole-Situation

2006-04-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

Falling
I have been here before
I thrashed, moaned, screamed and cried
I would never do it again
Yet once more I have decided that I should begin
This trek where footprints are cemented in my mind
Tenderly I reach out and to my surprise I can't believe what I find
Your hand interlocked with mine
Your pain...where my greed allowed me to be blind
To reality as it existed in this earth's time and space
My heart was ripped to shreds and now I seek to erase
Whatever was done is done
The present is what allows me to cum
Moaning your name
The only thing I want to remain
Are the echoes of your presence when we do what we do
As time moves on, tell me what are the lies and what is true

"I'm falling in love again
Goddam we kissed again
Been a little bit further than...

I thought this (girl) was just a friend
I need my baby here
Cause can't nobody love me like (she) can"

(quoted excerpt from "Situation" by Keyshia Cole)

What you done today?

2006-04-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Completed another portion of the family court case, Shamika Jackson.
Did not excercise.
Did not add to my community.
Came home early because my son returned from DC and instead of hanging out with my boy who has his party for leaving the office, got to see his smiling face.

Silence is golden

2006-04-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

I want to experiment with something. They say silence is golden. I want to practice being...quiet. Of course, the fact that I am naturally talkative....and tend to run over people (verbally) when I speak..makes this a huge challenge. I want to see what happens when I....listen.
The other thing I want to do is...practice. Practice being satisfied. Now I'm sure I have mentioned this before..there is a difference between being apathetic and being satisfied. I want to learn how to be ...happy with what I have. While moving toward my goals. Being satisfied..is clearly one of the keys to being content. And that's what I want. To return to the place where I just love where I am..while moving toward wherever I choose to go. Let's see if anything..changes :)

The rant to follow the poem :)

2006-04-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

Why do some of us love to dwell on pain? Why do we allow the emotions of fear, betrayal and dissapointment remain in the forefront of our conscious minds? I am listening to Season's of Love (and NO, I'm not going to write a part 2 to that song just yet LOL :). I can't describe the emotions that run through me sometimes, and although I feel that I don't like these feelings, I think I actually thrive on them to some degree. I mean, why else would I allow them to keep returning? One time I spoke with someone about a specific song, and I was telling them how it ripped me apart every time I heard it because it reminded me of an incredibly painful moment which was spent with them, and they just said "well, don't listen to it then".
Which of course was yet another callous ass statement, but in all actuality it is the truth. I have wondered, is that how I have to be handled? Can I just enjoy love....like anyone else? My wife doesn't have to be cold toward me....so what is it that used to drive me about that? I don't know, I'm on another ramble......now it's Maxwell (Sex on a Thursday night and you'll be jonesin baby...for a brother to hold you tight and keep on going...first lover came and went..didn't even hug and caress you) Well, I still have this poetry book to finish.....procrastination to defeat.....find those victories in my little tasks which I have seemed to intentionally turned my back on..(and what's THAT about). I thought it was getting warm (footnote.....warm weather...equals.....my true power :)......today it was SNOWING at noon. Not like flurries, but huge flakes just coming down as if we were having a snow storm..then the rain washes it away and in a few hours it was just bright as ever, I got my car washed today.
Oh, by the way...got a new car today. Yeah. And of course...still not happy, and where do I go after this? The car I just got which is a 2003 car is worth more than my 2006 that I'm going to turn in (get out of thise mileage hole as quickly as possible, because that lease was going to be sooooooooooo painful!! :).
Anyway......this is my rant :)

The second peice to Under My Skin-V. Green

2006-04-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

I feel more alive now
Than I have since I allowed
The pain
The sorrow
To overwhelm and conquer me
Cascading needles of strife driven memories
Ripped my soul apart until I couldn't even see
Pleasure
Satisfaction
Or the inner glow of happiness
Which remained hidden in the recesses of some unknown caress

Strength
A charactersitic I enjoy and admire
Every sword has to be forged and tested by fire
I lay back and prepare for the unknown future which holds mysteries
When I lay back, mouth closed, tasting the bitter sweet pill of my life
Prepare for those fangs which can pierce through your bone marrow like the knife
Through butter
My claws are still sharp
Sometimes I lick those panther lips and wait until this passion is sparked
Immediately exploding into flames
I told you once, nothing could ever tame
The panther which has long merged and ceased to exist
And yet in poetic solitude I still miss
The secret lair I once knew
But that time is gone
And those memories are through

So now I stare blankly into space
Not quite holding onto, but not quite willing to erase
A past unkown to most, but shared by a precious few
Embraces with words unspoken
Smiles that covered the tear stained pain of hearts broken
And yet, sometimes I think I love it here
One of the few places where I always eventually abolish my fear
And rise again like the phoenix
Dazzling all with the beauty
Of
Pure
Unadulterated
Love.

A Rant-Is it ever enough?

2006-04-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

One of the things I think most of us suffer from..is not being content. There are so many things we are taught which lead to this. I consider myself a driven person.....I have goals..things I want to achieve...places in life I would like to go (and no, not PHYSICALLY)......and we call this DRIVE. Well one of the things that seems to be hard for me to master right now is the compromise between being satisfied where I am, and with what I have...and my DRIVE. I don't want to be complacent....I always want to be....searching for more...experiencing more.....adding more....productivity to my life...and yes, maybe I can get out of this selfish space I exist in, and actually add something to this earth as well......but at the same time, when is enough enough? I have started to look at various areas of my life....and I see that part of the emotions I call misery..(yes, part of what I call jealousy in my previous post)..all stem from the inability to just be happy with what you have. And I think what it actually means is this:
You don't have to be complacent..be happy with what you have and strive for more. If it happens, that's great, and if it doesn't either tray again and again or set new goals in another area. But either way, be happy with who you are and what you have.
Why does that seem to be so hard? How can someone have the gifts that life has given to me, and still be unsatisfied? Still want MORE.
In a lecture I attended once, the woman said "Everyone hears that saying 'money won't make you happy'...and they all say, 'well, give me some money and let me see for myself' "
I agree with her one hundred percent. (And yet again, I repeat, I don't even HAVE any money right now LOL :). It is soooo interesting. I was thinking while I was driving home last night..it was such a great luxury when I thought that having things I didn't have would make me happy. What is left? To be content. Enjoy the people who are in my life right now. Enjoy the things I have right now. Stive for more, but enjoy the present.
I had the nerve to be depressed in the beginning of this week, and while I was talking to one of my good friends about it.....I started recapping some of my stories and realized..have I lost my natural born mind? Have I truly lost it?
Anyway...I wanted to rant for now......that's all :)

A dream I had

2006-03-31T05:46:00.000-08:00

I rarely post about dreams that I have (but maybe I should)...I'm not in the dream-interpresting business (but then again..maybe I should take note LOL :).

Last night, I dreamed that I was talking to my Dad....and we began to do push-ups side by side. I could only do 5...and of course he was pumping his out...I woke up while he was still doing his, and I was struggling for a 6th push up.

I think it means something. I'm just not sure that that is. Just wanted to post this for my reference later.

To Sean Paul-Can you do the work?

2006-03-27T20:41:00.000-08:00

Challenge me
Look me dead in my eyes
See if you can match me
Moan for moan
And stroke for stroke
Dig your nails sooo deep that I never knew pain
Before I endured your passion digging so deep into my skin
Breath your desire into me
Lick the sweat from my eyes so I can finally see
There was nothing before you
And any who try to follow you will never be able to be
Anything more than a hologram of the woman you are
Can you get down the way I need you to?
Grab me by the wrists and show me what is really true
The explosion of screams mingling in forbidden midnight ears
As I grab you by your neck with one hand as the other one pulls you by your hair
Just the way it needs to be done
With every inch of me so deep inside you before I let you cum
The are no others and nothing else existing inside of this space
Rise beyond any limitation you have ever known before
Then cum back down to where I lay and force me to endure
The honey laced visions that force you beyond the brink of ultimate orgasm
And drop me ever so deep into that chasm
Where you are the only answer
To the only question
That I don't even know how to ask
Show me you can handle me in my purest erotic form
As your blouse remains with buttons popped and silk torn
Labored breathing gasps in those secret moments with my wrists tied up
Look me dead in my eyes, cross that cultural gap and ask me now...
Can you do the work

To Under My Skin-Vivian Green

2006-03-27T20:08:00.000-08:00

I can regurgitate my pain
Until I chew on the cud of memories
Which renew themselves soooo fresh in my mind
Is it the words that you say
Or the way you make me sway
Going back and forth
Not knowing what the next moment brings
One day I'm walking on cloud nine
And the next I'm ice cold frozen in time and space as you return this thing
Sooooo deep inside
In those places I where I want to run and hide
How cum you can't just be who you really are
And stop trying to protect yourself as you do and don't disguise
The reality where we walk, talk and exist
But it's your embrace, your presence, that place that never existed that I really miss
Where we were totally happy, sharing lovers glances, touches and stares
Creating that bubble where no one could see glimpse or care
About these star crossed romantic days and nights
Until we had to go back to the space where others see the lie we have both created
Now cum back to me and show me that you are the one who actually made it
What
It
Really
Is

To Jennifer Paige-Crush

2006-03-26T20:13:00.000-08:00

Seep through every inch of me
Become my very existence
Show me what life truly can be
Crush every ounce of the strength of my resistance
Be the one all others wish they were
Bask in the glory that you earn just by being you
Whisper in my ears that good sh*t that only I know is really true
Caress those places no one else sees in the hidden recesses of the dark
Breathe fire into the ice as you melt me with passion and embrace me as you begin that small spark
That explodes into the white hot explosion of sinsation that melts anything lying in it's way
Then take me by my hand, stare dead into my eyes so I can finally hear you say
I want you
I need you
I don't care what reality is supposed to be
But I am here
And there is no need to be hesitant or embrace any type of fear
Because when I am in your arms and you hold me near
There is power that can't be put into words
And even the strength of my articulation of desire seems so absurd
The day will come when you will know who I am and shiver with anticipation
And until that day comes belive in who I am
Be glad the choice that will come did not have to be made
On
This
Day

Jealousy, Love and Goals

2006-03-26T19:20:00.000-08:00

What is jealousy? What really is this emotion made out of? Is it some type of ego infraction? Why is it so destructive...and why ..although you know better, is it so POWERFUL at times. Allow me to give you an illustration. There was a time in my former life (you know pre-1997) when I was seeing someone who was involved with a man, and I had my girlfriend at the time. I would be jealous when she would talk about them going out, getting together, etc. Now that makes NO sense whatsoever. Both of us agreed that we were involved with other people, and we liked it just fine. I was happy in my relationship, but yet, this emotion...would eat away at me sometime.
To this day, there are times when I hear about people travelling, going places, seeing plays, being with their family, just...doing things. I get jealous. And the most interesting thing is...I have ALL these things..and I do all those things. And yet......*jealousy*
Why? It's like insecurities.....my mind can do a dance that is AMAZING....sending me into the pit of scenarios which almost literally drive me crazy. Why? What function does that have? And how powerful is that in my life? I really don't know......but I do know that I want to eliminate it (yeah...good luck huh?)
Well..I'll do the love and goals post another time, I have to finish a petition for relocation here..plus I'm tired LOL :)

Seasons of Love (based on the Rent song)

2006-03-18T00:39:00.000-08:00

How do you take a moment in my life
And create the magic that you do
Whether it’s in the movie theatre
Or in the confines of my car when you remove my fears
With the touch of your hand
Upon my chest where I no longer feel any pain
Do you how your image always remains
Embossed in the front and back of my mind
You turned my entire world around
I stumbled into your existence and I have lost and found
The definition of love
And redefinition of devotion
I can’t even begin to articulate the strength of my emotion
Spiraling out of control
Then reigned back in again
All because one day you allow me to hold
Your physical presence….
And then in your absence I fold
Into a shell of the strength of my essence

Your kiss is gift that goes deeper than these words can convey
I want your caress and hope that you may
Enjoy the space that we share
And one day I hope you will be comfortable enough to care
About what I want…what I hope…what I dream
To put yourself to the side
And refuse to hide
Those things that you think make you weak
And you relax enough to allow yourself to speak
The words into my ears
And remove all of my fears….
Please dearest…I ask you…….
Before whoever and whatever lies above
Allow me to live in just a few of your…
Seasons of love

A post to Linkin Park

2006-03-17T21:25:00.000-08:00

Well, let's see. I think I did one post while I was listening to music..and that was a poem somewhere on this blog. One of my favorite songs (among so many) is "Place for my Head" by Linkin Park..and of course with my new Bose headphones, I am very much sealed off from the rest of my house....so I have this blasting in my head...and who knows what will come out?

Why do I blog? Do I secretly desire for others to go through my blog and glimpse into my life...or do I truly do it to look back and see if I have improved or changed anything? Or do I just want to look at a log in my life.

I want sooooo bad to chronicle some of my emotional life.....but well......that I would never want all over the net LOL :).........("YOU try to take the best of me....go away..."YOU try to take the best of me....go away...I want to be in another place, I hate when you say you don't...understand...I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy...a place for my head")

I wonder why I feel in extremes. I mean, I think most people FEEL....but I don't know if they FEEL like I feel.... I mean to experience pain in it's most intense form.......and to experience pleasure....and wonders unknown. Why have I lived my life the way I have lived it...to come in contact to FEEL some of the people the way I have felt them...and to TOUCH people....and to use that for good..not evil.

I wonder what happens to all the aggression I have inside of me at this time? What will I do with all the venom that is stored.....do you know that for approximately two and a half years...I have been miserable? What happens to that part of me? What happens when I say that I am love.....and love conquers all? Can I truly leave my past in the past? Do I have the echoes of revenge reverberation somewhere in my subconscious....when I say "I am karma"? I really don't know....I just wait to see what happens. Maybe I should chronicle my goals...and see what I do and don't accomplish? Am I afraid to face the reality of the things that I just don't complete....and just choose to remember what I have achieved?

For now....I have to write something....a letter...something that will release everything that has been inside of me for soooo long.....and then come back and blog again :)

Raousha's Fantasy

2006-03-14T04:41:00.000-08:00

Before NoRib..there was....Raousha :)

Enter my room
Sexy as ever
Slightly nervous, s
lightly scared
Gaze into my amber brown eyes
Watch my lips move
Are they as stimulating as you remember?
Are you imagining them in places they don't belong?
I want you to feel
My desire in full
Let me caress your shoulders
And set you at ease
Feel my kiss on your neck
My tongue on your throat
Does your flesh tingle at my touch?
You know I want you so much
Listen to me as I tell you to relax, sit back
This is my night, let me do as I please
Do your sensations heighten as I place the blindfold
Over your eyes, your head resting against my chest?
Are you nervous, as you feel cool vinyl rope
Tying your hands to my chair
Feel your tension melt in my hands
As I caress you with oil
This evening, it's only you I want to spoil
Let my caresses warm your body
To a temperature that's almost hot
I want those beads of sweat
To form
Before I glide a cool cube of ice
Around your neck,
Down your back
Followed by my tongue
All the way into your palm
Can you feel my mouth
Surrounding your fingers,
Licking them down to your nails
Flicking the edges of your hand
So fast, you know what I'm doing
Let me nibble on the small of your back
Feel my teeth sink into your flesh,
Just enough to stimulate
But not enough to hurt
Another cube of ice
Travels from your naval to your cleavage
Followed by the heat of my tongue
Are your nipples hard,
Do they beg for my teeth, my tongue, my mouth?
As they surround you
Are you wet?
Don't you want to touch yourself
But you know you can't
What do you think
As my tongue slides along your inner thigh?
You feel my breath, but not much more, as I go further
Down your calf,
To your feet
Back up to your clit
Can I play my game?
Teasing, touching, tortuously slow
Between my teeth and tongue, dont you want
To grab the back of my head
Force my face to gind against your pelvis?
Feel the release, as I untie your hands
Are you now the queen of domination?
Forcing my tongue to serve your desires
Guiding it's directionns of travel to lift you higher, higher
Do you exalt in your thrill, stare down at the face which is ours
Let your body take it's course, burn in the thrill of ecstacy
Cum on my face while I'm down on my knees
But you know it's not over
You still want more
Would you push my body down
On the living room floor
Take my length
Do as you please
Ride as you've never ridden before
Until you feel the next release
Will you lay back, passive and content
Feel the honey pouring down your mouth
While it's ice cream I get
Mint chocolat chip
With a touch of cool whip
Slide over your chest, down your stomach
As it's my mouth that plays fetch
I lick it all, and make sure it's gone
Before you get sticky, you're clean
But it's time for another song
This one has a beat
Which spells submission for you
Watch my eyes grow bigger,
As I once again take control
Can you feel my strength
As I push your head down my bed
Can I enter you from behind?
As you give in to my will instead
Feel my full length
Penetrate those areas dear to you
Is this what you've been waiting for?
Is this what you wanted?
Feel me go faster, and faster
You know I want to make you scream
Feel my hands pulling your hair so hard
I won't stop until you cream
Let me force you up against the wall
Wrap your legs around my back
Dig your nails into my neck
Feel my teeth as they begin to attack
I look in your eyesI want you so bad
We go faster, bodies glistening in sweat
This desire could drive a man mad
To my table we travel
Without even a slip
I am now on top ,staring down at you
Let me take my ego trip
I want to do this together
This is my once in a lifetime shot
As we scream in heated passion
The blood from my back makes me so incredibly hot
I want our names to mingle together
No respect for any neighbors
Louder, louder, louder
Repression built up over the course of years
Release in a single motio
nEven better than all this
Now that it's over
I'm sleeping next to you, entirely spent
The decision will be yours,
how many times will we do it again.

The answer in front of my face

2006-03-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

Today, my wife asked me if I wanted to go to church. It's Communion Sunday. And usually for some odd reason, I don't LIKE going to church (it's too long....we should sing a song, pass the plate, sing a song hear the sermon and go home..in my book). Anyway....I decided.....go to church. Can it really hurt? At which point, she asked if we could go to the diner afterwards (I had planned on going into work directly from church). At that moment, I decided...hey. I need to eat anyway...and I need to spend more time with my son (Bernard). So I said sure......we'll go to the diner after church. She asked me..really? I said yes. And then the look came across her face. The look I was trying to achieve two days ago..that I never really received. A look that expressed love and admiration...the one that says..."this is the man I have always wanted". And what is the moral of today?

I spent money to get a reaction from my wife I can get by just.....spending time with her. For free. Remember this. THAT is why I stay married.

The need for attention

2006-03-04T06:14:00.000-08:00

I still don't understand this need for attention. Why do I feel compelled to have someone pay attention to me? Acknolwedge me? How can I eliminate this pattern? In the Landmark Forum Landmark Education: Sharing The Landmark Forum they call this the "looking good". I think it bothers me today because even my blog...am I writing this to just release my own feelings and be able to look back upon them and see if I have improved...or notice things that I can do to change myself in order to live a more powerful life? Or........am I doing it because I want other people to READ me.....know me?
Yes, I want to hear "That's an attractive man" or "Wow...he's smart. A nice guy..a great guy...a giving man". All of those things. Don't most of us, if we tell the truth? (I was going to say the honest truth...but that's opposed to the dishonest truth?) And isn't that what leads us to giving power over to other people? Depending on what they say, and what they do or how they react to us in order to feel happy? And when they don't.....that's where the pain comes in? How do I let this go? Well...I guess I'll figure it out one day...

Story 1 continued

2006-03-04T05:01:00.000-08:00

So after she cums on the bathroom floor, and people are knocking on the door like crazy trying to get in, we leave the bathroom, both intoxicated between the alchohol and this experience, we actually are thinking no one in the house knows we were together. We sit on the bottom of the steps, talking and laughing, and she whispers in my ear "I want to get out of here....where do you stay?". As luck would have it, the dorm I was staying in had not been finished yet, and I was staying in the door where the visiting sports players would stay. Now the interesting thing about these rooms is that they have no windows, and the only lighting there is the light from the ceiling. We figured that to fool all the other people on the steps we would talk for about another 20 minutes, then we went to my dorm.

The whole walk over, she was leaning on me, her ankle was swelling up, but she insisted she was fine, and frankly......I just wanted some :). We got to my room, and immediately our tongues were down each other's mouths, our embrace growing tighter as we pressed against each other, breathing levels rising rapidly. We climbed up on the top bed of the bunk bed and I felt every inch of her five foot eight frame trembling. My fingers travelled down between her thighs, her pink panties were dripping with her excitement, as I tested her again with my middle finger, and her moan was music to my ears. As I pulled it out and pushed my finger all the way in my mouth, and as it exited my mouth, I stuck my tongue all the way out licking my finger. She was grabbing my waist, undoing my belt while her hand was running outside of my pants, my response to her touch was straining against the fabric of my pants. She unzipped my pants with a sense of urgency....a condom already in my other hand that I gave to her was slipped on with ease. I slid up inside of her and it felt like.....heaven. We started responding to each other's movements, reading each other's minds as we went from her being on the bottom, her tongue flicking around my inner ear, to flipping over with her riding me her screams bouncing off the walls of the empty dorm. I felt her dripping through the condom, her orgasms seemed to come in waves over and over again, her nails digging into my skin without breaking it. Her muscle control was amazing, every time I was almost at my peak, she closed down on my base, and whispered in my ear "Not yet, not yet, it's not time"....and gyrated her hips so that my excitement was maintained, but her inner muscles were in control. Finally after being drenched in sweat from head to toe, I released with a passion I had never known in the twenty years of my life.
It was the beginning of my junior year of college.

Random Thoughts and whatever LOL :)

2006-03-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

OK. Today I got my first verdict from my first case as a defense attorney. An equivalent of an aquittal. (My client was charged with Robbery in the First Degree, a felony which carrys a minimum of either 5 years, or 7.5 years up to 15 depending on the interpretation of his predicate status, and he was convicted of what I asked the jury to convict him of, the Assault in the Third Degree, a misdemeanor). How does it feel? Well, this is why I read what I read now. It feels good...people know about this, it was an extremely difficult case, the judge and his law clerk expressed shock and disbelief, I honestly didn't think my client committed the robbery (but that isn't what matters for me). What the scary thing is.....being able to handle this all in perspective. I can't allow the fact that I got this verdict to make me feel happy....to have a feeling of exhilaration.....because...what happens when or if you lose a case? There are things outside of my control. I am trying to practice this concept that happiness begins and ends with me.
Now let's not be mistaken. It is a great thing, many people knew about this case..and know that I did win it..which will give you (the illusion?) a certain reputation. Of course you need a few under your belt to prove it's not luck. But then what? Can you live your entire life in a win/loss column? What kind of life is that? What kind of stress is that? I have to make sure that I am happy in my work...that I am content in my development....and derive my satisfaction from that. But, don't get my wrong...I'm happy.

As a side note, my wife's 35th birthday was on Tuesday...of course I didn't get her anything because...I was writing my summation (where at 11:30 at night, I realized I was going to lose this case, without question...unless my client testified). So today, after I picked up my car (because yes...the windsheild had cracked), I went to Tiffany's.....picked up 2 nice peices (there goes my personal injury settlement cut I just received LOL :)....and her reaction was....not what I thought it would be. Which is funny. A few months ago I was talking to one of my friends saying that my wife could get a peice of jewlery for 500 dollars or 5,000 dollars ...and it wouldn't matter to her. And I know that. It's a fact. So why am I....sad or...I don't know..dissapointed..that she doesn't have the reaction I thought she would. (Of course I didn't see that "you spent too much money" reaction coming)......again, find your center. When you find your center, you actually give a gift as just that. A gift. Nothing to do with the other person's reaction....the satisfaction should be in your heart.

My last rambling is about Grey's Anatomy. I just watched last weeks' episode where Grey slept with the other intern, and was crying at the end because it wasn't the right thing...and the "player"...is getting...well not played....but kind of put on the back burner by the blonde (I forget their names LOL :)....which...brings to mind a few things.
When you are in a position where you like someone.....love someone...and it's not returned....that is a pain that sometimes seems unimaginable. Why is that? Why do we demand that someone else acknoweldge us...love us...like us even? Think to ourselves....."I'm an attractive man.....I have it going on....why can't you bow down like you should?" For some of us...maybe......it's the fact that another person isn't compliant..doesn't react the way you think they should that draws you to them. But rejection....ahhhhh....that is a pain that I know it's soooo hard for me to deal with. And the second subplot. That's what scares me. I have never considered myself a player. Ever. But...well...let's see..I have had threesomes, I have had a few women at once where some of them knew I was seeing someone else...I have been videoed...I have had sex while a woman called her boyfriend and I heard her say "I love you" to him, while I was deep inside her...I have done.....things. One of the things I have always thought is this. Don't play with me. Seriously. Don't play with me..because if you try to make me jealous..if you try to..manipulate my feelings.....I have dwelled in the land of pure pain and hell. I know emotional manipulation. I can BE karma herself....come to feed you hell on earth.
Why is that? Why do I feel the need to identify those feelings? Why did that episode trigger those things in me...and memories of staring at a woman cry...who other men would do anything to be with...and have that cold unmovable look in my eyes...and feel the power coarsing through my veins as my emotional walls protected me from feeling...any emotion at all?
Well, I don't know, I'm rambling.......I need to review some things, and try to work on this darn book LOL :). Will see ya soon :)

How can we be wrong? (By trinere)

2006-03-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

How...long can we both go on this way?

Why...can't you give me tonight this day?
You..tell me I am the one for you

Then do...things that make what you say come true
Once there was a time

I knew for sure you were mine

Times change and I know

Love comes and it goes

Where did we go wrong?

We used to be strong

Two wrongs don't make a wrong, no not tonight

How can we be wrong?

To be holding on

If we both let go

We're bound to fall

So how can we be wrong

To be holding on

If you ..... to meI'll give my all
If what you tell me you feel is real

Then why can't you understand howI feel

When.......will you show me you really care?

How.....will I know if you're never here?

Once there was a time

I knew for sure you were mine

Times change and I know

Love comes and it goes

Where did we go wrong?

We used to be strong

Two wrongs don't make a right

No not tonight

How can we both wrong

Just to be holding on

There used to be a time when holding on was right

How can we both be wrong

Just to be holding on

We're bound to fall

If we don't hold on tight

My Deception

2006-02-23T19:58:00.000-08:00

Take every ounce of pain
I have suffered through
Swallow it like a bitter sweet pill
And tell me what is true
And what is not
Remove every ounce of hate
I have flowing in my veins
Become larger than anything life has to offer
Until only pleasure passion and lust remain
Inject these fangs
With the venom of seduction
Remove the steel from my eyes
Until I solely become a function
Of a higher power only I relate to in my own mind
And every atom of negativity
Is eliminated so you will no longer find
Any of my weaknesses lingering deep in the caverns I once slept
And there will no longer be the bitterness which translates to hate and pain
Causing others who trusted me then wept
To hate the man who once made the shiver in pleasure
All I want to be is the reality of influence that can't be measured
In most people's common perception
And NO RIB which will finally complete
My
Deception

Something I wrote a long time ago

2006-02-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

Cling close to me
And for the first time you will see
The challenge of true love
It's clear that you and I are meant to be
Whatever we are
And whatever we are not
Whisper your fears in my ears
Allow life to finally foil the plot
Of those who see things that really don't exist

GOD girl...how much have I missed
Your touch
Your caress
To know that you took a moment while you began to dress
To bother to be concerned that maybe you won't impress...
Me
I'm here...and so are you.
Let us both be very.....very....careful
With what we do
It's clear that whatever we feel is true
So cast both of our egos to the side
And enjoy the length and depth of this ride
Walk your sexxxy fine ass over here
Stare into my eyes as we finally begin
All
Over
Again

Trial entry

2006-02-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

What happens when we fall in love? What happens when we stay in love? Why is it supposed to be such a big deal. I mean you know that whole feeling...the birds chirping...the love songs that just caress your ears......the bright spots that take up your whole existence. Where doest it begin and why does it ever end? What happens when you fall in love with the same person again and again? Does that mean you feel out of love with them again and again?

I still seek to find my center. I know it's here, and I have tasted a little bit of it..and it is sooooo freeing. And what about music? Why is it that I can actually...almost meditate..through music. I say almost..because clearly I am usually not living in the NOW. But I am living in another space and time that becomes so real it is my existence at that moment. There are so many things for me to work on...but for now I need to get through this trial. Robbery in the first degree. Why couldn't my first trial be something like a misdemeanor trial....or even a drug or gun case? Robbery in the first degree where an assault on a 62 year old man is captured on tape. And my guy has a conviction of an Attempted Robbery. And I am thinking that I'm going to win this case (give up the assualt for the robbery). What to do?

I have so many feelings...so many emotions......I just want to

Write
Look deep inside me and see who is behind my center
Come and travel in my world and see what happens when you enter
Into something that is not what it seems
And the reality of my life is like some people's dreams
I can do whatever I want
But there are consequences at every turn
I have memories I refuse to allow them to haunt
Me until I have no longer learned
That if I do the same thing over and over again
It is only a matter of time before the repitition begins
And I find myself in the same place
At a different time
And wondering why certain things I want
I can't call them mind
But for now I am enjoying where I am
So come in and be me for a second
Then you will understand
No Rib

Just notes of the day,.

2006-02-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

OK. I haven't WRITTEN anything on my blog in a little while. Yes yes yes..I do have to continue my story. And I have a lot more. Today, I am just......in one of those spaces. I will be starting jury selection on my trial on Thursday. Have I written my voire doire out? OF COURSE NOT!!! Will I wing it? Well..I don't know...we were supposed to start last Thursday, and I was going to. I realize now, that I decrease my stress when I actually prepare..just writing things down make me more comfortable. The problem is that I have to keep my mind free, while staring at the list of potential jurors, and trying to remember each point I need to hit on for trial.

My personal life? WHY ON EARTH am I not having sex with my wife? I mean she is incredibly attractive...sexxxxy...but.....I don't even remember the last time we had sex, I think it was November. And at this point in time, I think if we do have sex it will be.......just to have it to cut off the drought? I can recall mind blowing, passionate, incredible experiences (hey..just read some of my work LOL :).......what happened to that in this house? And should we get a divorce? Hell no...unless she leaves, I'm stayin right here.

There is that which I dare not speak of......so I suffer in silence :). Well, those are my brief thoughts of today...I need to come up with a creative reason why I should be looking forward to tomorrow. (OK, I did deposit 2 checks today......that was a very good thing).

Anyway......I will post soon :)

A V Greene inspired poem

2006-02-19T20:44:00.000-08:00

Here I am
My heart bare before the entire world
My past
Still echoes in my head
And I attempt to live in the present...instead
Of rehashing
Over and over again
The story that has played so many times
Pushing me to the brink until I literally went out of my mind
Does anyone really want to come close enough
So you can finally find
The source of my tears which have run in secret places where no one on this earth will ever see
The pain that has coarsed through every single inch of my veins
Until I became cold
Enjoying the misery and suffering I brought to those who were ultimately weaker than I
And tried to bask in the presence of my world
And I told each and every one of them I had no need to lie
And their sobs were music to the very essence of my soul
And when I looked down upon their attempts to mask the sorrow which ripped them apart
My fangs showed ever so slightly and I welcomed them into the fold
Of the forgettable past
Tossing them to the side since I told them they would never last
More than a temporary existence in my world which is the only place I exist
I repeated it before..I am KARMA.....so don't try to resist
Just make your choices, and enjoy the quality of your risk
Because I have sat up night after night
Living a life that was never really mine
Finally I have come full circle
And for the first time since I can remember....I can finally find
A small
Moment
Of
Peace.

Another poem-Devotion

2006-02-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

Hold me
Heal me
Hug me
Feel me
Melt into the passion
That I can barely remember
Become one with our interaction
Until only the nameless sender
Becomes our reality
As we experience unadulterated bliss
Let us liver forever in the present
So we will never have the opportunity to miss
Those moments which remove
Every single ounce of pain agony and defeat
And although we can't live in the future
We look forward to every time we meet
In our secret
Hidden
Lair
We have stripped each other of all covers
And laid our feelings bare
Let us bask in the aftermath
Of forbidden hidden lust
But finally allow us to introduce
The important element of trust
So as you whisper in my ear
And I feel the essence of your emotions
Come to me in your purest form
And show me th definition of
Devotion

Just a poem

2006-02-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

I'm back
Again
But this time
I'm quiet
And I still claim my name
Beware of the smile you see
Beware of what I can be
The fangs that never dissappeared
The feeling when I draw you near
I care nothing of feelings outside my circle
So I stay to myself
At least for now
Listen to me carefully
Then you will never have to frown
Because I did what I said
And your ego controlled you instead
Of the common sense that shows exactly what my past has been
I have mired myself in the pit of sin
And lapped it up with the greed of an imp
So when I hold you
And you ignore that slight limp
And the pain deep in the back of my eyes
I no longer have to disguise
Exactly
Who
I am

Just...comments

2006-02-05T14:37:00.000-08:00

For the first time...in a very long time. I taste freedom. I have renewed my focus. I understand things I never understood before..and therefore...I am a different person. Not different as in better...or worse..just...different, and yet the same. I see things I couldn't see before. I have goals...I didn't have before.

Let's review some understandings. If money is an illusion..which it is. And it is a conduit...then whatever I channell my money toward...is what comes back to me. Simple? But complex.

One of the four agreements states...don't take things personally. And yet I do all the time. And it distorts my perception. I am far more powerful now than I have ever been in my life. My future is limitless. And I am just beginning..my journey...is only starting. I look forward to what the future holds...even my pain will be a gift to help me grow.

The last 2 years...I have concentrated..on places that actually did need to be concentrated on. Why? Because I want to change. Change myself. How do you change something you already thing is soooo good? Because you know it's not. Face my reality. Recognize the illusion. And live.

I want to.....live.

Live life fully.

I have...hurt others. Am I sorry? Yes and no. It could have been a lot worse if I were not in the position that I was in at the time. And timing is everything.

I choose to do everything that I do.....and no one else is accountable for me. No one. Therefore...I begin to live freedom..on a limited level. I still have remnants of the traps that have been laid out from my entire life. But I see you. I spot you. I know where you are and where you live. I can eliminate you...all in time.

Meanwhile...I live.

And more than that...I love.

So I choose......

Love...and life

The first story..Part 2

2006-02-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

As we travelled down the steps, I noticed an open room....and pulled her in, my tongue flicking all over hers again.....her hands pulling me closer into her.......as I got my bearings..I realized....it was the bathroom! I pushed her down to the ground, using my foot to close the door....her hand began to unbuckle my pants, one of my hands maneuvered the clip on her bra...while the other one travelled down between her legs, manipulating her source of excitement while our breath became one, she started stroking me......my tonge travelled down her neck......to her rock hard nipples........at first teasing them with the tip of my tongue, before each of those 36C's was engulfed by my mouth. Her hands went up to in back of her head as I travelled lower.......down her stomach...down her naval...until for only the second time in my life...I tasted the essence of a woman. I started probing....from her clit.....to directly between her lips....pushing my tongue in as deep as I could.....the flicking back and forth...her moans were music to my ears. I heard a knock at the door, and someone tried to come in, I kept my foot firmly planted so the door couldn't open...as I enjoyed and savored the taste of her...her hands on the back of my head.......I felt her shiver and shiver...until she pulled me up.....I started grinding on top of her.........dragging up and down the outside of her excitment.....she whispered in my ear "We gotta get outta here....we gotta go back to your place....."

The first story..Part 1

2006-01-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

I had been dating my girlfriend for an entire year. I had been faithful for an entire year. And that was a record for me. My girlfriend lived in Philadelphia....I lived in New York, and we spent our first summer together with me going to Philadelphia a few weekends to visit her, and we were SO in love. So when we got back from our summer break, one would think that as a faithful boyfriend, I would have looked forward to doing nothing but spending some time with her as we hadn't seen each other for an extended period of time for 3 months.

But of course, life had other things in store. My girlfriend at the time was intent on pledging the sorority Delta Sigma Theta.....her roomate and her had big plans and big discussions. Maybe I was truly catching an attitude about their problem with wanting to be seen at the wrong parties or the wrong places because it was Labor Day weekend. Maybe I just really had that itch. Regardless of what the situation was, I found myself intent on walking alone trying to either get myself to Virginia Beach or find some of my boys to hang out with. As I left her dorm room and went across campus to see if one of my friends from Brooklyn who lived what was officially off campus, but directly across from the outside of the school grounds had arrived at school yet.
When I approached his house, I had no idea what was about to begin during the next moments of my life.

I approached his house, and outside the porch steps were approximately 8 people, including my boy from Brooklyn, one of my people from Jersey who ran track, a member of the RPT click (Rhytmic Pelvic Thrust...yes, you can still be corny in college)....we called the Philly Muskrat.....a dude who looked like a body builder, who I would later learn was a male stripper, my Brooklyn boy's sister, and this woman I couldn't take my eyes off. She had on AKA shorts and pink tank top.....her calves had to be the tightest biggest calves I had ever seen, she was about 5'7", had a face that was just pulling me toward her, her stomach was non existent and I could only imagine what she felt like to the touch, as I was eyeing her, I started gripping up everyone I knew....all of them surprised to see me roll up because most of our friends were actually in Virginia Beach....the girl who is catching my attention goes up to 2 different guys asking "Do you have a girlfriend"...where there answers were yes, and when she walked up to me saying "Do you have a girlfriend"...I surely looked her dead in her eyes and said without hesitation "Nope"....

Our eyes looked at that moment, and despite an obvious level of intoxication there was a connection neither of us had a clue where it would lead. We went up to the porch and started talking.....she had just graduated from an Ivy League school....(which impressed me at the time)...I was in my junior year.....she didn't have a boyfriend..and I couldn't take my eyes of her sexxxxxy ass legs......those calfs mesmerizing me. We went upstairs.....were she had some more to drink , and I began my spiral into the land of inebriation.....gulping down some concoction of unknown amounts of pure alchohol diluted solely by the flavor of some type of fruit juice splashed in with it.

The more we spoke...the closer we started getting to each other.....the musclebound guy keeps checking in on us, by this time, every chance I get my hand is touching her leg...her arm....our eye contact is unbroken.......then the group decides we aren't going to Virginia Beach, but we'll go to this party that was about 10 minutes away from campus. By the time we get to the party, my alchohol comsumption has brought me to the point where my only reality is where this woman is...and how on earth am I going to find my way into her pants. We all get out of different cars and stand outside the entrance of the party where there has to be about 150 people milling around either waiting to get in, or just talking if they haven't seen their friends in such a long time.

As I got out of my car, I went over to her, wrapped my arm around her waist, and we were talking about who knows what...and it felt as if we had known each other all our lives. I had her laughing a mile a minute, and I felt so comfortable, that I didn't even mind the recklessness of being seen so close to her in such a public forum. As I turned around to talk to one of my friends, a brother from the fraternity Alpha Phi Alpha approached her and started talking to her. Behind him had to be at least 15-20 of his frat brothers. I gritted on him...and put my arm back around her..mindless of whether or not it was something she minded. As the Alpha stepped off, I pulled her to me...looked deep in my eyes, and in that moment it was clear that both of us knew exactly what was going to happen that night.

Since it was so crowded outside, our entire group decided we would continue our own little party back at the house. She was leaning into me and as I was walking her back to her car.....she stepped into a hole neither of us saw...and she twisted her ankle. Now she was forced to lean on my shoulder...her arm wrapped all the way around me.....I felt her breasts heaving as she leaned into me for dear life, all 165 pounds of her on my 150 pound 6'2" frame. I got her back to her car...and went back to my ride..thinking to myself.."Damn kid...you definitely ain't getting any tonight".

When we got back to the house......she struggled all the way up the stairs to the third floor (making it about six flights of steps).....llaughing and crying alternatively....as soon as we got into the room we had left....and I closed the door...she pulled me to her..and I immediatly pressed my parted lips against her as her tongue started to probe my mouth. Her body was pressed firmly against mine..her nipples growing harder and harder as her hands ran up and down my back....my arm wrapped around her waist pulling her into me as if we could merge into one complete person. Our tongues began to flirt with each other until they erupted into a dance all their own.......flickering and pressing against the other.....until we were almost out of breath...literally breathing into each other. I whispered to her "let's go downstairs".....and she leaned on me again...and said "I think I can make it"

A gift

2006-01-28T04:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was given the gift of a new start. I am finally able to start from zero....from nothing...and create my life for myself. Later today I will start the story portion of my blog....ahhh...the fact or fiction....only I will know...and anyone who ever cares to read this......will guess...which is fact and which is fantasy.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's interesting because when I took the Landmark Forum.....I felt sooooooooo...free...and then that feeling went away. And do you know why? Because....I didn't change...as long and as consistently as I should. I am seeking to train my mind to live in "The Now". not the past...not the future..not someone else's past...or someone elses future. Mine...all....mine.

It's funny when you figure out that you had the right idea a long time ago, you just needed to hone it. The phrase "It's all about No Rib" was coined when I was in high school, into college. Well...it is..and it's not. It's all about me...what I choose to do and then be COMFORTABLE with that. I challenge myself...to create my own integrity. To enter into a world where whatever I choose to do is fine with me, and when I make a mistake.....and realize it's a mistake....I immediately get over it and move forward.

The world is a beautiful place....my productivity can be unmatched. I have a lot......inside of me that I will achieve......and I still have a desire...that will be fulfilled.

Time is an illusion.....so waiting truly becomes a matter of perspective. Waiting for what? For someone else to.....like you, to hold you, to have sex with you?
Waiting..for that job, for that car, for that tv, for that new table set, for that check to come through, for that opportunity to present itself....that is ....foolish. I miss out on life when I spend so much of it waiting.

I live.....I am alive.....I am here NOW. And I will enjoy my now..this very moment..as I type these words....I feel happiness....in this moment....as well as my future. I choose to enjoy my future.....I choose to enjoy my reality. Through my choices...I have altered my reality in such a huge way...and yet it wasn't that hard...why couldn't I see it?

I had 2 cases which were hanging over my head...and by removing them, I have suddenly released myself. Was it that hard to see? I could have done that a long time ago. The key is to...retrain my thinking....don't do the same old things all the time......(do the new old things all the time LOL :)........so I am excited....

My next post...starts.....the stories. I know one thing, I LOVE my stories......ahhhh.....to remain in the past even as you enjoy the moment....but I can learn...from both fact and fiction.....from being bold and shy at the same time :).

I am thankful for my gift...and I vow not to return to the place I was...and enjoy wherever I may go....but for now....I...breathe.....easy

Nothing

2006-01-21T19:55:00.001-08:00

If there are no rules
Are we completely free?
We can walk away when we want
Or we can intensify our memories until they haunt
The eternity of our existence while we exist in this plane
And the passion that explodes will forever remain
Embedded in the caverns that no one else will find
I just want to know.....
When what I want will be mine

Nothing

2006-01-21T19:55:00.000-08:00

Short poem

2006-01-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

My pain
Throbs
Over and over and over again
Misery
Filters through every cell in my body
Frustration
Coarses through the essence of my soul
All because I don't know how to control
The mystery
Of my mind
Will I ever leave this pain behind
Or do I remain locked
Caged
In my own irony

If you don't like who you are

2006-01-11T04:13:00.000-08:00

If you don't like who you are. Then change. If you think that changing is too much trouble, then be comfortable with the who you are.
I think changing myself is one of the biggest challenges that I face. Eliminating procrastination seems like the biggest obstacle I have faced for years. I can freeze for months by simply procrastinating. I don't enjoy it. So I have to change. The question is how.
Little by little? Declare little victories? Get rid of the "Looking good" and hold many of my goals close to my chest?
I don't know, but I do know one thing...I must continue.....to...change.